Just Checking In

I so sleepy right now. I don’t even know why, exactly, because I feel like I got a decent amount of sleep last night anyway. Maybe it’s because I’ve actually been exerting energy outside more regularly and I’m a weak little boy so I can’t take it. Maybe it’s because I eat junk and so I don’t get enough energy in that regard. Regardless, I’m glad I am more active again and I’m grateful I have some good friends that have helped “keep me busy” more recently and as a result I can spend less time dwelling on the negative. I feel like I experienced some genuine happiness this past week, which is a nice change of pace compared to the usual weeks where even during the good times I feel like I always have something negative looming over me.

In terms of the video-making side of things, which is always a big part of me “keeping busy,” I have been lacking when it comes to solo videos (though still going strong with Tarqaron). That ultimately comes down to the conditions I’m working with rather than motivation, though. Simply put, the summer heat, in conjunction with not being able to run my air conditioner while recording since the noise is so obnoxious, does not make for the most ideal conditions. It’s hard enough enduring it for the few hours of Tarqaron recording each week, especially on particularly hot nights. It also doesn’t help that I still feel very limited when it comes to equipment, lighting, and overall space. So those elements combined don’t make for the best video-making environment, but I will continue to make do the best that I can. Ideally one day I can have a lot more space to work with and I can film videos without having to worry about sweating to death or my internet connection being spotty or my laptop not being up to snuff. I love making videos, but all this technical and behind-the-scenes stuff is what I hate dealing with the most.

I think that’s really what is keeping my video-making operation from running like complete clockwork (other than all of the time I have to spend on my non-creative work). Once I just have a comfortable work environment then I think I will have no problem sitting down to crank more videos out. Part of why I have been able to be so consistent with Tarqaron is because it is a consistent weekly schedule of recording and editing, one that I haven’t quite been able to get down with my solo videos recently. It doesn’t hurt to have another person involved to hold you accountable as well. With my solo channel it’s a lot easier to brush off or put on the back burner since it only really concerns me. That being said, I have so many things I want to do with my solo channel specifically, so I feel bad about the inconsistency. That’s something I want to work towards and prioritize for sure, because at this rate I can barely get anything going.

I have a week off from work coming up, followed by another week off soon after, so that will be much needed time for me to buckle down and really focus on not only working towards a more consistent production schedule but also working towards getting other aspects of my life where I want them to be, and prepping for more drastic change in the near future. I feel like I’m nearing a fair sense of stability in the social part of my life so I need to work on the other parts of my life that have contributed to my depression in many ways. Now all that’s left is for me to make the most of the time I’ll have to work with soon.