Watching In the Heights has really got me thinking about life and putting things in perspective, aha… The movie was such a treat from beginning to end but some of the themes really resonated with me and tie into things I’ve been thinking about anyway. It’s always tough for me to look at where I’m at in life and think about what could have been, had I just made a couple of changes here and there or pushed myself a little more.
Making videos is the one thing I’m passionate about at the moment, and I’m no where near being able to have that as a career, so I really have no idea what I want to do in life. It feels bad to say that, at almost 25. I’m at the age where I should be right in the thick of a young career and having the time of my life, but I just feel lost. It’s very similar to how I feel about my college experience, I feel like I’ll look back in a few years and really regret not using my time better. Toward the end of last year, I was struggling with depression but felt like I was on the verge of figuring my life out a bit. But the beginning of this year really kicked my ass mentally and set me back a few notches for sure. I initially felt like I had composed myself and made significant progress from where I was at the very beginning of the year, but have since uncovered how much I had really been affected by everything, even all these months later. I struggle to look forward to the future because I’m always worrying about the past, thinking about all of the regret I have collected. I wasted so much energy on people who never really cared about me, wasted so much time on unproductive nonsense, and wasted years when I could have been doing so much more with my life. I guess it’s stupid to live with regret because that doesn’t help me do what I need to do to move forward now, but I realistically can’t help myself.
I’ve always been an introspective person, but I find myself just thinking a lot recently, but probably to an unhealthy degree in the sense that I have become hypersensitive about every aspect of my life and the more thought I put into everything, the worse I tend to feel. I really hope I can be happy with myself and my life some day, because right now it is just so hard to see. Am I capable of happiness? Sure. Do I experience moments of happiness pretty much every day? Sure, but they just feel like momentary distractions from the reality of my situation rather than any actual reflection of my mental well-being, if that makes any sense. Some day happiness will be the norm for me rather than the exception. Some day.
I would like to take this opportunity to once again thank everyone who has been a positive force in my life in general, but in these past few months especially. Nowadays negativity can really take a toll on me so I try to cherish every positive interaction that I have.