Author: Zach Archer

Just Writing

Blog

Everything in life is so damn uncertain. I constantly second-guess myself because I feel like as soon as I get anything resembling happiness it gets ripped away from me, almost like a constant reality check. Like, oh, you thought you were gonna be happy now? nah, now’s not the time and it makes me doubt if I’ll ever truly be happy. Some things I feel so damn sure of and then something turns them on their head in the next instant. One moment I think I’ve finally found the answer and in the next it becomes another symptom of my sadness. I’m not much of a poet but I guess when you just speak from the heart without much of a plan it can give off that vibe. I’m always racking my brain until the eleventh hour about what to write for these blogs but I guess sometimes I should just type and see where it takes me. I feel like I had this very same epiphany many moons ago when I wrote one of the blogs just like this, by writing whatever was on my mind without stressing each little word and how everything was phrased. But since then maybe I’ve lost that a little, and in a sense I’ve given myself less freedom with these blogs than I should by feeling like each one should fit into a nice presentable topic or take on a particular theme.

This blog was always meant to be an outlet for me to express my feelings and thoughts in an open and authentic way. The only problem is that a lot of what is top of mind for me lately is deeply personal, and not exactly what I would or should be talking about on this public website, at least not any time soon. Not that it’s bad or anything, but more that it pertains to specific people and situations which are on-going and not just things of the past. This is something I mentioned way back when I started this blog, that I would never talk about specific people or anything that would feel like an invasion of privacy because no one is consenting to be talked about publicly in this way just by associating themselves with me. So as much as the blog has been liberating for me, it is obviously still very limited in that I can’t just talk about anything in my life because of course it would have real-life ramifications or affect other people rather than just myself. So what’s the solution there, could I do some private writing about my deepest and more personal thoughts? I mean yeah, sure, but when would I realistically have the time for that? I am already struggling to find the time for everything from what I need to do to what I want to do, between all of my existing responsibilities/obligations. So as much as additional, private writing would probably be beneficial for me, I don’t know if it’s realistic to do so right now.

So for now I’ve gotta keep some thoughts bottled-up, which of course is a bummer and almost the antithesis to this blog, but it’s just what I’ve gotta do. What’s worse is that I wish I could just shout these thoughts for the whole world to hear, but I simply can’t. It’s a frustrating position to be in, but one that everyone will be in at some point or another. Maybe you’ll read these thoughts in a damn book years down the road.

So for now I’m just dealing with a lot emotionally/mentally. I wish things could be different, I wish I could be stronger in the face of these things, but here I am. Big crybaby energy. But that’s just another part of coming to terms with who I really am. My heart has felt heavy so often recently, I’m just trying to keep myself mentally above ground as much as I can at this point. I feel like the next few months of my life will be an especially trying time for me, but I have to make the best of it and hopefully come out stronger on the other side. I’m fully prepared for lots of ups and downs.

Videos I Posted This Week:

  • Survivor 41 Ep. 5 Reaction – Tarqaron
  • Survivor: Palau Ep. 5 Reaction (Ulong Hell) – Tarqaron
  • Midnight Mass Review – Tarqaron
  • Okay, this Little Mix album is pretty good too (Confetti)
  • *NSFW* MINDCRUSHERS #1 – Tarqaron

Things I Enjoyed This Week:

The Jackbox Party Pack (video game)
Squid Game (Netflix series)
Survivor 41 (tv series)
CHVRCHES (music artist)

Who I Really Am

Blog

As much as depression has really taken a toll on me over the years, it has pushed me to make some realizations about myself and in some ways transformed elements of my personality, for better or for worse. It’s obvious and undeniable that going through consistent depression for an extended period of time would have a significant effect on someone, but the ways in which it has shaped me and had me come to terms with certain truths about myself are oddly profound. I’ve touched on some of these concepts here and there throughout my time doing this blog, but I’d like to really stop down and flesh these ideas out a bit more.

I used to describe myself as a “loner” type but have since come to realize how much I value being around people that I care about and that I don’t even like being by myself all that much. I did a whole blog post dedicated to this one subject, so feel free to check that out if you’re interested in more on that. And even though I’ve always had a wacky goofball side to my personality, I always used to see myself as fairly emotionless in most day-to-day life. I mean this in that I was unfazed by most things, I was reserved, and I would often hold the same expression in school life, as if I was unbothered by the world or something. But recently (and I mean super recently as in only the last year or two), I have realized that I am a lot more emotional than I used to be. Not that I’m sobbing uncontrollably or anything, but more that things affect me more than they used to. Since I am so deep in my depression at this point, most of this emotional side tends to come with sad feelings, but I’ve found that it works both ways, too. I will get saddened by things, even minor things, much more swiftly than in the past, but I am also much more appreciative of things like genuine people and kind gestures/words, so much so that I can get teary-eyed just from seeing people sincerely care. I don’t know if me being an emotional person is just a byproduct of my depression or if it’s here to stay, but either way I’ve had to come to terms with that side of myself pretty quickly and I still haven’t quite figured out the perfect way to deal with it. It is truly a double-edged sword because my mood can crash so suddenly nowadays but at the same time I’ve learned a greater appreciation for the supportive people and meaningful moments in my life.

I’ve come to appreciate being open and vulnerable with people, and the meaningful conversations/moments that can come from that. I love being a source of support for people that I care about and connecting with people on a deeper level. I love showing my appreciation to the people who are there for me, and make a conscious effort to vocalize this appreciation as much as possible. Depression and some traumatic events that happened in my life over the past couple of years are really what drove me to be more appreciative than ever. That’s one way in which I feel I’ve really transformed in recent memory, and I’m grateful for that at least. I appreciate all of the supportive people in my life, and I will continue to show that whenever I can.

With all of this comes being more aware of myself, more critical of myself, and more introspective in general. As evidenced by something like this blog, I guess. Though the depression has been far from a fun experience, and most of the over-thinking has stemmed from that, it has been interesting to learn so much about myself, everything from what I’ve become to what I’ve always been. At least for now I am someone who really enjoys connecting with others, having meaningful conversations, and being introspective. I am a sensitive, caring, kind, and oh yeah loving soul. This is another big thing I’ve realized about myself, I truly have a lot of love to give. I am a very affectionate person but I love connecting with people emotionally and me vocalizing my appreciation for people feels like an extension of that as well.

Though only time will really tell how much of these traits will stick with me long-term, in my heart of hearts I feel like a lot of this is who I really am, and it just took me reaching my lowest of lows in order to figure that out.

Videos I Posted This Week:

  • Our September 2021 Favorites! – Tarqaron
  • Survivor 41 Ep. 4 Reaction – Tarqaron
  • Survivor: Palau Ep. 4 Reaction (Bathroom Showdown) – Tarqaron
  • Metroid Dread Review – Tarqaron
  • Zach reads his “spooky” stories – Tarqaron

Things I Enjoyed This Week:

Survivor 41 (tv series)
Super Smash Bros. Ultimate (video game)
Midnight Mass (Netflix series)
Little Mix – Get Weird (album)
Little Mix – Confetti (album)