As someone who is not a professional writer by any means, I’ve come to realize that a combination of writer’s block and procrastination can prove especially deadly in crunch time situations. Back when I was in school this was obviously something I battled with time and time again, but I’ve also noticed it in adult life when it comes to settling deadlines or schedules for creative endeavors in general. In school it got to the point where I wasn’t trying to stop procrastinating, but rather I was making the best of it assuming I would be procrastinating. I had become so convinced that procrastination was just a part of my DNA that I figured I would accept it and try to adapt to it the best that I could. But I, being the logical and rational person that I am, realize that I could have done so much better work if I had simply not procrastinated. I just couldn’t shake that habit, so often times essays or studying would get crammed into an unhealthily short amount of time, and of course the end result would suffer, no matter how much I might try to convince myself otherwise.
And I’m seeing a similar energy being channeled into this blog, which is the most regimented thing in terms of a deadline I set for myself on a weekly basis right now. I usually put it off until the day of, if not an hour before I have to finish it like right now. And when you combine that with a bit of a writer’s block and no established idea or topic ahead of a time, it can lead to some more uninspired blog posts. So in the coming weeks I’m going to be making a more conscious effort to give myself more time to actually develop the posts into what I want them to be, and to have ideas in place well ahead of time. There’s something I really appreciate about the posts that I just write in the spur of the moment, whatever comes to mind, but having too many of those can be detrimental to the overall quality, especially when I have so many conversations and ideas I have yet to explore which could be of more substance.
It’s absurd because I knew procrastination was an unnecessary burden/stress to put on myself all those years ago, and yet here I am still going strong with it even in my own creative projects. But now I’ve put it out there, so I can be held accountable if I continue to give in to its sweet temptation.
Videos I Posted This Week:
Things I Enjoyed This Week:
Survivor 41 (tv show) Accused: Guilty or Innocent? (tv show) GG Melee (YouTube) Toph (YouTube) Pentatonix – A Pentatonix Christmas (album) Pentatonix – Christmas is Here! (album)
Here’s a little throwback to a blog post I made a couple of months ago where I listed a bunch of things that I love. This time around, I figured we could all use a little more negativity in the world, so I’m going to list a bunch of things that I dislike instead. Here they are:
Evil people Bad people Not nice people Disrespect Bullies OJ Simpson Murder Violence Tomatoes Nails on chalkboard Dirty hands Entitled people Self-righteous people Prejudiced people Lack of proper communication Lack of compassion People who cut others off without explanation The silent treatment Being talked down to Feeling unappreciated Sadness Negative energy Unnecessary drama Poverty Inequality Depression Loneliness Feeling stuck Feeling isolated Religious zealots Irrational thinking Doing nothing Wasting time
Okay, I’ll just stop there. I just ended up in a more negative state of mind than intended, haha. That’s it.
Something I particularly like about this time of year is that it is the season of giving, an opportunity to show love and appreciation for those you care about in different ways. There’s something about gift-giving that I’ve grown to love so much over the years. What’s interesting is that I recently did the lil love languages quiz and receiving gifts was on the lower end of the spectrum for me, in terms of my love languages. But I especially like putting together thoughtful gifts for people that I care about, I guess that receiving gifts is less important to me these days. But hey, it is always really touching to receive an especially thoughtful gift. I’ll never deny that that is a good feeling as well. As much as it can be nice to give a gift that someone really wanted and asked for in advance, I always find it a lot more rewarding to think outside the box and try to get something that they might not expect but that they would really appreciate, something with a little thought put into it. I love nice gestures like that.
So we’re right in the thick of when I should already be figuring out gifts, but as always it really snuck up on me. Every year I always say that I will figure it out well ahead of time, but of course that never really pans out. I still have yet to even sit down and list out all of the things I need to get, let alone actually start on getting them. I totally get why some people aren’t a fan of the whole gift-giving process because it can be a stressful experience for them, but to me it is worth it just to show some appreciation and also to see the reactions when they open the gifts. On a personal level I just love the thoughtfulness that can go into the process if you really care to personalize the gifts according to the individual. It’s fun to brainstorm different ideas of what would be a nice sign of appreciation, even if it’s just a fun gag gift. Of course money is always an issue and it especially is this year since I’m making some hefty car payments (and more monthly payments than ever, really), but I’ll make it work one way or another.
I’m not a materialistic person, I don’t really care about getting the newest, shiniest things. To me the beauty of gift-giving comes in what it represents. It’s just a heartwarming representation of your appreciation for someone you love, not defined by a dollar amount but by the thought and heart put into it. And as the emotional sack of shit that I am now, it’ll probably particularly resonate with me this year. So cheers to the holiday season, I really ought to get to work on making these gift ideas a reality sooner rather than later.
My biggest on-going problem that I continue to struggle with is motivation. I have so many things that I want to get done, that I need to get done, but I struggle to find the time and energy to really get them done. It also doesn’t help that lately I’ve been waking up much later than I’d prefer, so that has been severely cutting into my time to get anything done as well. While time management and motivation certainly aren’t the only problems I’m dealing with, they are probably the two biggest obstacles that directly interfere with allowing myself to make any progress towards where I want to be. I feel like I might be in desperate need of some concrete to-do lists, both daily and long-term, to hold myself more accountable in some way.
It is just so incredibly difficult to find any motivation when I’m at such an all-time low. Not only do I feel drained emotionally, mentally, and physically day in and day out, but I struggle with my own self-esteem and feel overwhelmed by all of the things I need to improve on. I feel lost, I feel lonely, I feel sad, I feel weak, I feel worthless; I feel all of these things at different points, if not all at once sometimes. It’s tough, it really is. And as much as I want to say that I want to feel better about myself so that I can be happy, I really can’t shake the feeling that I want to be better so that I might fully believe I deserve that happiness. I’ve had glimpses of me taking a stand or going out on a limb for happiness I think I deserve, and at my core I do believe that all good people deserve happiness regardless, but I consistently feel like I screw things up or put myself in worse positions because of mistakes I’ve made, to the extent that I might not even deserve happiness right now. I’m definitely not a bad person in any way, so it’s not that I don’t deserve it in that sense, but I just feel like I’ve had this “woe is me” attitude about things and haven’t been active enough in fixing my issues in everything from myself to my position in life at large. Hopefully what I just said makes some sort of sense because I’m not sure it’s the most coherent thing I’ve ever written. Heck, I don’t even know if I believe it at this point. Of course I deserve happiness, but I just need to get my shit together and make it happen because no one else is gonna make it happen for me.
And there’s where it comes full circle, it all leads back to motivation. With the right amount of motivation anything is possible, but it’s almost like I’m so used to going through depression that I barely know what it’s like to be out of it, so it’s even harder to find that real motivation. It is a rough spot to be in. It’s especially rough when I have moments when I think I’ve finally found the key to my happiness, and they’re really just more hurdles for me to trip over and make it sting even worse. Just when I think I’m finally clawing myself out, a reality check will kick me back down.
Sorry that this blog was a particularly depressing one, but that’s just the reality of depression, I guess. It’s an on-going struggle and it’s not pretty. It brings out your insecurities and amplifies them, and it will take a lot of strength, determination, and motivation to get through it. I’m not giving up.
Videos I Posted This Week:
Things I Enjoyed This Week:
The Jackbox Party Pack (video game) Squid Game (Netflix series)
Everything in life is so damn uncertain. I constantly second-guess myself because I feel like as soon as I get anything resembling happiness it gets ripped away from me, almost like a constant reality check. Like, oh, you thought you were gonna be happy now? nah, now’s not the time and it makes me doubt if I’ll ever truly be happy. Some things I feel so damn sure of and then something turns them on their head in the next instant. One moment I think I’ve finally found the answer and in the next it becomes another symptom of my sadness. I’m not much of a poet but I guess when you just speak from the heart without much of a plan it can give off that vibe. I’m always racking my brain until the eleventh hour about what to write for these blogs but I guess sometimes I should just type and see where it takes me. I feel like I had this very same epiphany many moons ago when I wrote one of the blogs just like this, by writing whatever was on my mind without stressing each little word and how everything was phrased. But since then maybe I’ve lost that a little, and in a sense I’ve given myself less freedom with these blogs than I should by feeling like each one should fit into a nice presentable topic or take on a particular theme.
This blog was always meant to be an outlet for me to express my feelings and thoughts in an open and authentic way. The only problem is that a lot of what is top of mind for me lately is deeply personal, and not exactly what I would or should be talking about on this public website, at least not any time soon. Not that it’s bad or anything, but more that it pertains to specific people and situations which are on-going and not just things of the past. This is something I mentioned way back when I started this blog, that I would never talk about specific people or anything that would feel like an invasion of privacy because no one is consenting to be talked about publicly in this way just by associating themselves with me. So as much as the blog has been liberating for me, it is obviously still very limited in that I can’t just talk about anything in my life because of course it would have real-life ramifications or affect other people rather than just myself. So what’s the solution there, could I do some private writing about my deepest and more personal thoughts? I mean yeah, sure, but when would I realistically have the time for that? I am already struggling to find the time for everything from what I need to do to what I want to do, between all of my existing responsibilities/obligations. So as much as additional, private writing would probably be beneficial for me, I don’t know if it’s realistic to do so right now.
So for now I’ve gotta keep some thoughts bottled-up, which of course is a bummer and almost the antithesis to this blog, but it’s just what I’ve gotta do. What’s worse is that I wish I could just shout these thoughts for the whole world to hear, but I simply can’t. It’s a frustrating position to be in, but one that everyone will be in at some point or another. Maybe you’ll read these thoughts in a damn book years down the road.
So for now I’m just dealing with a lot emotionally/mentally. I wish things could be different, I wish I could be stronger in the face of these things, but here I am. Big crybaby energy. But that’s just another part of coming to terms with who I really am. My heart has felt heavy so often recently, I’m just trying to keep myself mentally above ground as much as I can at this point. I feel like the next few months of my life will be an especially trying time for me, but I have to make the best of it and hopefully come out stronger on the other side. I’m fully prepared for lots of ups and downs.
Videos I Posted This Week:
Things I Enjoyed This Week:
The Jackbox Party Pack (video game) Squid Game (Netflix series) Survivor 41 (tv series) CHVRCHES (music artist)
As much as depression has really taken a toll on me over the years, it has pushed me to make some realizations about myself and in some ways transformed elements of my personality, for better or for worse. It’s obvious and undeniable that going through consistent depression for an extended period of time would have a significant effect on someone, but the ways in which it has shaped me and had me come to terms with certain truths about myself are oddly profound. I’ve touched on some of these concepts here and there throughout my time doing this blog, but I’d like to really stop down and flesh these ideas out a bit more.
I used to describe myself as a “loner” type but have since come to realize how much I value being around people that I care about and that I don’t even like being by myself all that much. I did a whole blog post dedicated to this one subject, so feel free to check that out if you’re interested in more on that. And even though I’ve always had a wacky goofball side to my personality, I always used to see myself as fairly emotionless in most day-to-day life. I mean this in that I was unfazed by most things, I was reserved, and I would often hold the same expression in school life, as if I was unbothered by the world or something. But recently (and I mean super recently as in only the last year or two), I have realized that I am a lot more emotional than I used to be. Not that I’m sobbing uncontrollably or anything, but more that things affect me more than they used to. Since I am so deep in my depression at this point, most of this emotional side tends to come with sad feelings, but I’ve found that it works both ways, too. I will get saddened by things, even minor things, much more swiftly than in the past, but I am also much more appreciative of things like genuine people and kind gestures/words, so much so that I can get teary-eyed just from seeing people sincerely care. I don’t know if me being an emotional person is just a byproduct of my depression or if it’s here to stay, but either way I’ve had to come to terms with that side of myself pretty quickly and I still haven’t quite figured out the perfect way to deal with it. It is truly a double-edged sword because my mood can crash so suddenly nowadays but at the same time I’ve learned a greater appreciation for the supportive people and meaningful moments in my life.
I’ve come to appreciate being open and vulnerable with people, and the meaningful conversations/moments that can come from that. I love being a source of support for people that I care about and connecting with people on a deeper level. I love showing my appreciation to the people who are there for me, and make a conscious effort to vocalize this appreciation as much as possible. Depression and some traumatic events that happened in my life over the past couple of years are really what drove me to be more appreciative than ever. That’s one way in which I feel I’ve really transformed in recent memory, and I’m grateful for that at least. I appreciate all of the supportive people in my life, and I will continue to show that whenever I can.
With all of this comes being more aware of myself, more critical of myself, and more introspective in general. As evidenced by something like this blog, I guess. Though the depression has been far from a fun experience, and most of the over-thinking has stemmed from that, it has been interesting to learn so much about myself, everything from what I’ve become to what I’ve always been. At least for now I am someone who really enjoys connecting with others, having meaningful conversations, and being introspective. I am a sensitive, caring, kind, and oh yeah loving soul. This is another big thing I’ve realized about myself, I truly have a lot of love to give. I am a very affectionate person but I love connecting with people emotionally and me vocalizing my appreciation for people feels like an extension of that as well.
Though only time will really tell how much of these traits will stick with me long-term, in my heart of hearts I feel like a lot of this is who I really am, and it just took me reaching my lowest of lows in order to figure that out.
Videos I Posted This Week:
Things I Enjoyed This Week:
Survivor 41 (tv series) Super Smash Bros. Ultimate (video game) Midnight Mass (Netflix series) Little Mix – Get Weird (album) Little Mix – Confetti (album)
For those of you who know what kind of video games I like, you know that I’ve always loved Animal Crossing. It’s one of the first series I name whenever I’m asked what my favorite games are. But for those of you not in the know, or not that into video games in general, this might be coming out of left field a little bit. Animal Crossing is a series of video games in which you play a human character living on a town/island with an array of humanoid animals. You can customize your living space, interact with the animal villagers, or go fishing, dig up fossils, and catch bugs to add to your museum. These are just some of the things you can do, but most activities fit within this laid-back and relaxing theme. What makes the series uniquely different from most others is how the game progresses in real-time, meaning that the season, the time of day, and certain key holidays all coincide with how they do in the real world. It’s a really unique characteristic that sets it apart from most games.
On the surface, it might not seem all that appealing and it might not seem like the kind of experience you’d be looking for from a video game. And honestly, for a lot of people, it actually isn’t. It’s an acquired taste and you certainly have to have an appreciation for this kind of game to get full enjoyment out of it. It’s definitely not for everyone, even though it seems like more and more people are jumping onto the bandwagon as the series goes on, especially after Animal Crossing: New Horizons came out right at the start of the pandemic. But Animal Crossing as a series has always held a special place in my heart, and the recent announcement of a buttload of free new content just has me thinking about it again.
I actually feel a strange amount of guilt for not staying devoted to New Horizons like I had planned. For a solid several months I had made a point to hop on at least once a day, but after I finally missed a day I haven’t picked up the game once since. And at that point, even over 100 hours in, I still had plenty of work to do on making my island what I wanted it to be and fully utilizing all the features. So if I still had plenty more to do back then, now I feel an even more overwhelming desire to get back into the game since there will be so much more to do come November 5th with the new update.
It’s hard to explain what exactly drew me into Animal Crossing and what has made it stand the test of time as one of my favorite series ever. On paper the concept seems so bizarre, but something about the laid-back nature and relaxing charm of the series has stuck with me. I give a lot of credit to Animal Crossing for pushing me towards my love of life simulation genre games in general, too. In the future, when I have more time, maybe I’ll go into more detail on my love for the series and what it means to me. But for now I just wanted to throw my love for it out there since it’s top of mind for me at the moment. I guess we’ll see come next month just how much time I put into the game again.
Videos I Posted This Week:
Things I Enjoyed This Week:
Midnight Mass (Netflix series) Metroid Dread (video game) GG Melee (YouTube channel) Pentatonix – The Lucky Ones Deluxe (album) Little Mix – Confetti (album)
Please excuse me being behind on all my shit. Not only am I behind on editing, I’m behind on filming, plus I have a lot of catching up to do in terms of television and other things I would like to talk about. It has all just sort of piled up. Which of course can happen from time to time, especially with so much on my plate, but I have full confidence that I’ll be back on the proper horse in no time. But we never miss the weekly blog post, you understand me, we never miss those, so that’s why I’m doing this before everything else I’m behind on.
In recent times I’ve had this habit of going for walks at all hours of the night. While there’s definitely a lot more you can do during the day, and I love me some good daylight, there’s something about the night time that makes me want to go outside. A lot of the time it’s not so much a desire to go out as it is a desire to go out, you know what I’m saying? Probably not, but that’s okay. Mostly it comes down to me feeling too cooped up when I’m inside in a small room by myself. So the only real alternative is to go. That can come in the form of a late night drive, just sitting outside, or a full-on walk around the town. In addition to feeling cooped up, these late-night activities are often inspired by a desire to be alone with my thoughts as well. Don’t get me wrong though, I am also the kind of person who would probably be down for almost anything if someone were to call me late at night. I love the idea of spontaneously doing things at night, even if it’s something as simple as a quick drive or a long talk. Especially if I know I have the following day off from work, you can literally catch me out in these streets walkin’, bro. I’m a whole night owl, a creature of the night, whatever you wanna call it.
There’s just something so alluring about night time in general. Not only are things you only see at night like neon lights so aesthetically pleasing and cool, but a lot of great experiences come out of the nighttime vibe. I feel like a lot of the most important/thought-provoking/interesting conversations I’ve ever had were at night. There’s something about the night that tends to get you a little more vulnerable and introspective/reflective, from my experience at least. And those are the times I remember and appreciate the most. But hey, that could just be my perspective. Regardless, that undeniably all feeds into why I appreciate the night time so much.
Since I’m a night owl, naturally I’m not much of an early bird. In an ideal world I could always stay up late and never have to wake up early. Though I fully concede that regularly waking up early is probably the healthier option long-term, especially in the typical work week structure, it’s just not in my nature. Whenever I have to wake up absurdly early it throws off my whole mojo and I inevitably end up crashing in the middle of the day after I’ve finished whatever I needed to be up early for. So for now I am a true night owl. The one thing I’m missing is a way to realistically play basketball at night. Then I’d be set for life. I’ll just have to wait until I get my own personal indoor basketball court.
Videos I Posted This Week:
Things I Enjoyed This Week:
Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl (Game) The Circle (Netflix series) Little Mix – Salute (Album)
As I sit here I am freezing cold. The fact that just a couple of days ago it was hot and now it’s cold, that’s pretty wild. We went from sweaty weather to sweater weather real quick, and my clothing choices have not quite caught up to the changes yet either. I’m in a damn tank top over here. I’m up writing this in the early morn, colder than I’ve been in a long while, because I literally didn’t possess the energy to go on after editing a video late into the night last night (and I won’t have any time to write this for the rest of the day today). So I’m here, colder and more exhausted than I’ve been for some time, just writing whatever comes to mind since I had nothing specifically planned to write about. But hey, that’s the beauty of life or some shit.
Can we talk about how cold it is right now, though, for real? It’s legitimately 48 degrees outside right now, which for some reason translates to it being even colder indoors for me. I am not nearly equipped enough to fight this fight; I should be cozied up with multiple layers and hunkered down, but ain’t nobody got time for that because I’ve got to write this blog, finish uploading my video, and then get ready to fly over to work in just a couple of hours. I really feel so spent right now, it’s hard to be motivated during these times.
Naturally this is going to be a shorter blog, so I guess I’ll take this time to give another update on where my head is at exactly. The past few weeks I’ve really just had this overarching feeling of “I need to get out of here.” Not just in the sense that I’m unhappy with where I’m at in life, which I’ve established before on these blogs, but more-so in the sense that I just have this feeling of not wanting to be cooped up for too long. Not so much in the freezing cold like this, but in the nice weather we’ve had for the past few weeks I’ve definitely taken the opportunity just to go outside at random points, whether it be at night or in the day. A lot of the time it tends to be at night that I get this urge to go outside and at least get some fresh air because me being cooped up in a small room for too long tends to not be a fun combo lately.
I haven’t been all that shy about the fact that I am a bit of an emotional wreck these days. I mean, this past week in particular hasn’t been particularly bad comparatively, but it’s something I continue to deal with. Mostly what I mean by “emotional wreck” is that in general I tend to get emotional over things far more easily than I used to. I could be in a fine mood one minute but then something often largely insignificant could happen that just wrecks my mood for a period of time. And on top of that, I just feel sad in general way more than I’d like to (or should). This is all stuff I’ll have to continue to work on, but I would like to at least note that I am incredibly grateful for my support base of friends and family during these times as well. Not only do I have a good group of friends that are consistently there for me in general, but this past week especially, since I have frustratingly been without a car, they have all been giving me rides at crucial times when I otherwise would have been screwed. I feel bad because this past week I have been like a bum trying to hitch a ride every day, and I’m so out of the way for most people so it’s a real inconvenience, but they have been there for me nonetheless so I am definitely grateful for that.
That being said, it’s frustrating being without a car. It feels like just another setback for me which I really can’t afford right now. The thing is, I have no need or interest in a nice car, I just need one that functions. As long as I can get from one place to another with some amount of safety, that’s all I care about. And yet, my 2003 Toyota Solara isn’t doing too hot for me now and I’m not sure where to go from here. I hate depending on people and being an inconvenience, but that’s just where I’m at until I can figure something out unfortunately. But of course that’s just a minor distraction in the grand scheme of things. I have so much about my life that I still want/need to change in order to better myself and get myself in a happier place, and I need to get started on that pronto.
If you don’t want to hear any details about the newest season of Survivor, now would be the time to avert your gaze. Honestly, Survivor has been top of mind for me ever since I watched the premiere of season 41, so I felt like it only made sense for me to write about it here. I need to do a serious brainstorming session and figure out what I should write about for the weeks to come, though, for sure.
If you want to see my actual reaction to the premiere and immediate thoughts afterword, be sure to check out the video I just posted today on the Tarqaron YouTube channel. Or, if you want to take a step back, check out the video I did with my friend Rusty where we talked about everything we knew before the season began, including a full cast assessment and draft! I’ve got a lot on my plate so I’m sure it will be overwhelming at times, but my plan is to do a video for every episode of 41, in addition to going through Survivor: Palau with my friend Alec concurrently (starting in a few days)! So for all you Survivor fans, there will be no shortage of Survivor love on all of the things I’m creating.
The reason that 41 is such a monumental season is because of the show having the longest break between seasons that its ever had, courtesy of COVID-19. If you followed any of the pre-season articles/interviews, you would know that they went into Survivor 41 with the full intention of doing something significantly different and marking a new era in the show. Whereas traditionally fans had always been the ones to retroactively define the different eras of Survivor in their own terms, this would be the first time where the showrunners themselves would declare a new era before it even began. In all the pre-season talk, Jeff Probst emphasized how they were ramping up the “danger” in the show by making changes like decreasing the amount of days from 39 to 26 to make for a grueling pace and only offering meager supplies and very minimal rewards. Players would have to fight for everything they got; nothing would come easy.
While I was concerned by talk of things like potential “controversial twists,” I was here for the ramped-up pace and miniscule supplies, and was optimistic about what a “new era” could do for the show’s health and longevity. I am happy to say that the premiere really sold me on this new direction for Survivor. Everything from the lively cast to the awesome changes in cinematography really breathed a whole new life into Survivor. It felt like I was watching a different show entirely at times. But at the same time, it retained so much of what I love about Survivor and it was honestly just really refreshing to not only see Survivor again but to see so many people (including Jeff) thrilled to be there and interacting with each other. A combination of COVID and a break from Survivor made every interaction that much sweeter throughout the whole premiere. Though I am definitely someone who loves to think and talk about the strategy of Survivor, the human/social element has become more and more important to me over the past couple of years especially, and on that level it was great to see a bunch of smiling faces on my screen.
And in terms of the strategy aspect, I felt like the premiere also delivered in that regard, and I suspect there will be no shortage of exciting gameplay throughout the rest of the season. Even the new twists/advantages that have been shown and teased don’t seem too unreasonable so far, and this idea of everyone’s votes constantly being vulnerable could make for some interesting shenanigans down the line potentially. The Survivor 41 cast seems so solid, not only in that they are entertaining to watch, but also in that they are all so excited to be there and as a result are there to play. All of them are fans if not super fans, and if you combine that with this new break-neck pace, then I think we are in for quite a fun ride. No one will go quietly.
I just wanted to express overall how excited I am for the season and new direction as a whole, as well as how impressed I was with this first episode specifically. Maybe I’m just a sucker for some new Survivor love at this point, but almost everything really landed for me in this premiere, from peeling back the curtain and showing more of the behind-the-scenes crew to the epic slow-mo shots. I’m here for it all!
Now, that doesn’t mean they couldn’t blow it with some controversial twists toward the endgame, but for now I am just excited for what is to come. If you want to hear my thoughts on the specific happenings of each episode throughout Survivor 41, make sure to check out the Tarqaron YouTube channel and continue to stay tuned!