Survivor: Vanuatu Review – Tarqaron

Just Checking In

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I so sleepy right now. I don’t even know why, exactly, because I feel like I got a decent amount of sleep last night anyway. Maybe it’s because I’ve actually been exerting energy outside more regularly and I’m a weak little boy so I can’t take it. Maybe it’s because I eat junk and so I don’t get enough energy in that regard. Regardless, I’m glad I am more active again and I’m grateful I have some good friends that have helped “keep me busy” more recently and as a result I can spend less time dwelling on the negative. I feel like I experienced some genuine happiness this past week, which is a nice change of pace compared to the usual weeks where even during the good times I feel like I always have something negative looming over me.

In terms of the video-making side of things, which is always a big part of me “keeping busy,” I have been lacking when it comes to solo videos (though still going strong with Tarqaron). That ultimately comes down to the conditions I’m working with rather than motivation, though. Simply put, the summer heat, in conjunction with not being able to run my air conditioner while recording since the noise is so obnoxious, does not make for the most ideal conditions. It’s hard enough enduring it for the few hours of Tarqaron recording each week, especially on particularly hot nights. It also doesn’t help that I still feel very limited when it comes to equipment, lighting, and overall space. So those elements combined don’t make for the best video-making environment, but I will continue to make do the best that I can. Ideally one day I can have a lot more space to work with and I can film videos without having to worry about sweating to death or my internet connection being spotty or my laptop not being up to snuff. I love making videos, but all this technical and behind-the-scenes stuff is what I hate dealing with the most.

I think that’s really what is keeping my video-making operation from running like complete clockwork (other than all of the time I have to spend on my non-creative work). Once I just have a comfortable work environment then I think I will have no problem sitting down to crank more videos out. Part of why I have been able to be so consistent with Tarqaron is because it is a consistent weekly schedule of recording and editing, one that I haven’t quite been able to get down with my solo videos recently. It doesn’t hurt to have another person involved to hold you accountable as well. With my solo channel it’s a lot easier to brush off or put on the back burner since it only really concerns me. That being said, I have so many things I want to do with my solo channel specifically, so I feel bad about the inconsistency. That’s something I want to work towards and prioritize for sure, because at this rate I can barely get anything going.

I have a week off from work coming up, followed by another week off soon after, so that will be much needed time for me to buckle down and really focus on not only working towards a more consistent production schedule but also working towards getting other aspects of my life where I want them to be, and prepping for more drastic change in the near future. I feel like I’m nearing a fair sense of stability in the social part of my life so I need to work on the other parts of my life that have contributed to my depression in many ways. Now all that’s left is for me to make the most of the time I’ll have to work with soon.

Videos I Posted This Week:

Survivor: Vanuatu Ep. 14 Reaction (FINALE!) – Tarqaron
Survivor: Vanuatu Ep. 15 Reaction (Reunion) – Tarqaron
The Suicide Squad Review – Tarqaron
Our July 2021 Favorites! – Tarqaron

Things I Enjoyed This Week:

Our July 2021 Favorites! – Tarqaron

Discussions, Monthly Discussions, Tarqaron

The Suicide Squad Review – Tarqaron

Film (Tarqaron), Reviews, Tarqaron

Survivor: Vanuatu Ep. 15 Reaction (Reunion) – Tarqaron

Survivor, Survivor: Vanuatu, Tarqaron

Discussion:

Reaction Highlights:

Survivor: Vanuatu Ep. 14 Reaction (FINALE!) – Tarqaron

Survivor, Survivor: Vanuatu, Tarqaron

Discussion:

Reaction Highlights:

Being Sociable

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One thing I’ve noticed about myself over the years is that I really do value friendship and being around good company. I am a sociable person! Growing up and even into high school to an extent I would often describe myself as a “loner” and say that I’m okay just being by myself for long periods of time. Looking back, though, I see that was more of a coping mechanism and a way to justify those times where I just was alone. So instead of conceding that I felt lonely, I would embrace it and pretend that it is just part of my character in some way. But as more and more time has passed, I’ve realized just how friend and community-oriented I seem to be naturally. I’m not a social butterfly necessarily, and I’m usually not a fan of larger, less personal gatherings like parties or weddings, but throughout my life I’ve always felt happier the more I am around good company.

From online forums to in-person friend groups, I’m usually drawn to being a part of some sort of community at most points in my life. Maybe that’s just human nature, that natural desire for like-minded groups to come together and connect, but more often than not I’ll find myself actively starting groups or organizing community events rather than being a passive participant. Even in the parts of my life where I wasn’t a part of any in-person groups and just did a lot of community things online, I would still spend a lot of my time with my best friend, and those were some of the best times that I had. Now more than ever I value genuine friendships and bonds so much, and love bringing good people together. I rarely ever will turn down spending time with good company in favor of spending time by myself.

And that right there, that community-oriented trait, is not really a trait of mine that I was cognizant of throughout most of my life. Maybe that’s why I’ve felt so much regret about how I handled certain parts of my life. I would describe myself as “the weird kid”, or off-beat, or a bit of an outcast as a means of explaining why I don’t need friends, and as a result was dismissive of some of the true feelings of loneliness I would go through. A few years ago is when my depression really started to sink in as I finally acknowledged my issue for what it was: Loneliness. I wasn’t a “loner,” I didn’t want to be alone, but I found myself in this spot and my mental health was struggling in many ways. As I went through college feeling this way, even though I understood that I wanted more friends and more of a sense of community in my life, I didn’t make enough of an effort to actually make this happen. This is a big part of why I didn’t enjoy a lot of my college experience and also why I remained depressed for several years.

As I’ve discussed a lot, I still deal with depression now but in terms of friends I am in a much better spot than I was for most of my college years. Though I still battle with a sense of loneliness which I’ve also talked about on these blogs a lot, most of my depression now is rooted in my position in life rather than just the social element. Now I have some really good friends who I care about and who seem to care about me so that’s a good feeling to have to help with my depression overall.

The biggest takeaway from all of this is that I feel like I’ve realized a lot about myself over the years. Like, maybe I was the kid that sat by himself a lot because I was a “nerd” or because I was a little different than others, but that didn’t mean that that’s the way it had to be. I could have stepped out of my comfort zone more back and changed that narrative then but I didn’t. I could have branched out and done more to change that narrative in college but I didn’t. So now I’m doing the best with my life to live with less regrets and to make the most of my time with the people around me who I care about, now that I fully acknowledge my desire to spend time with good company. Not to mention that I love to make people laugh and have fun rapport with people so a lot of time alone can be particularly draining for me, especially with my continuing mental health struggles. But I’m doing my best and will continue to improve on other aspects of my life now that my social life is in a much more sound place than it was even just a few months ago.