Who I Really Am

Blog

As much as depression has really taken a toll on me over the years, it has pushed me to make some realizations about myself and in some ways transformed elements of my personality, for better or for worse. It’s obvious and undeniable that going through consistent depression for an extended period of time would have a significant effect on someone, but the ways in which it has shaped me and had me come to terms with certain truths about myself are oddly profound. I’ve touched on some of these concepts here and there throughout my time doing this blog, but I’d like to really stop down and flesh these ideas out a bit more.

I used to describe myself as a “loner” type but have since come to realize how much I value being around people that I care about and that I don’t even like being by myself all that much. I did a whole blog post dedicated to this one subject, so feel free to check that out if you’re interested in more on that. And even though I’ve always had a wacky goofball side to my personality, I always used to see myself as fairly emotionless in most day-to-day life. I mean this in that I was unfazed by most things, I was reserved, and I would often hold the same expression in school life, as if I was unbothered by the world or something. But recently (and I mean super recently as in only the last year or two), I have realized that I am a lot more emotional than I used to be. Not that I’m sobbing uncontrollably or anything, but more that things affect me more than they used to. Since I am so deep in my depression at this point, most of this emotional side tends to come with sad feelings, but I’ve found that it works both ways, too. I will get saddened by things, even minor things, much more swiftly than in the past, but I am also much more appreciative of things like genuine people and kind gestures/words, so much so that I can get teary-eyed just from seeing people sincerely care. I don’t know if me being an emotional person is just a byproduct of my depression or if it’s here to stay, but either way I’ve had to come to terms with that side of myself pretty quickly and I still haven’t quite figured out the perfect way to deal with it. It is truly a double-edged sword because my mood can crash so suddenly nowadays but at the same time I’ve learned a greater appreciation for the supportive people and meaningful moments in my life.

I’ve come to appreciate being open and vulnerable with people, and the meaningful conversations/moments that can come from that. I love being a source of support for people that I care about and connecting with people on a deeper level. I love showing my appreciation to the people who are there for me, and make a conscious effort to vocalize this appreciation as much as possible. Depression and some traumatic events that happened in my life over the past couple of years are really what drove me to be more appreciative than ever. That’s one way in which I feel I’ve really transformed in recent memory, and I’m grateful for that at least. I appreciate all of the supportive people in my life, and I will continue to show that whenever I can.

With all of this comes being more aware of myself, more critical of myself, and more introspective in general. As evidenced by something like this blog, I guess. Though the depression has been far from a fun experience, and most of the over-thinking has stemmed from that, it has been interesting to learn so much about myself, everything from what I’ve become to what I’ve always been. At least for now I am someone who really enjoys connecting with others, having meaningful conversations, and being introspective. I am a sensitive, caring, kind, and oh yeah loving soul. This is another big thing I’ve realized about myself, I truly have a lot of love to give. I am a very affectionate person but I love connecting with people emotionally and me vocalizing my appreciation for people feels like an extension of that as well.

Though only time will really tell how much of these traits will stick with me long-term, in my heart of hearts I feel like a lot of this is who I really am, and it just took me reaching my lowest of lows in order to figure that out.

Videos I Posted This Week:

Things I Enjoyed This Week:

Survivor 41 (tv series)
Super Smash Bros. Ultimate (video game)
Midnight Mass (Netflix series)
Little Mix – Get Weird (album)
Little Mix – Confetti (album)

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