My biggest on-going problem that I continue to struggle with is motivation. I have so many things that I want to get done, that I need to get done, but I struggle to find the time and energy to really get them done. It also doesn’t help that lately I’ve been waking up much later than I’d prefer, so that has been severely cutting into my time to get anything done as well. While time management and motivation certainly aren’t the only problems I’m dealing with, they are probably the two biggest obstacles that directly interfere with allowing myself to make any progress towards where I want to be. I feel like I might be in desperate need of some concrete to-do lists, both daily and long-term, to hold myself more accountable in some way.

It is just so incredibly difficult to find any motivation when I’m at such an all-time low. Not only do I feel drained emotionally, mentally, and physically day in and day out, but I struggle with my own self-esteem and feel overwhelmed by all of the things I need to improve on. I feel lost, I feel lonely, I feel sad, I feel weak, I feel worthless; I feel all of these things at different points, if not all at once sometimes. It’s tough, it really is. And as much as I want to say that I want to feel better about myself so that I can be happy, I really can’t shake the feeling that I want to be better so that I might fully believe I deserve that happiness. I’ve had glimpses of me taking a stand or going out on a limb for happiness I think I deserve, and at my core I do believe that all good people deserve happiness regardless, but I consistently feel like I screw things up or put myself in worse positions because of mistakes I’ve made, to the extent that I might not even deserve happiness right now. I’m definitely not a bad person in any way, so it’s not that I don’t deserve it in that sense, but I just feel like I’ve had this “woe is me” attitude about things and haven’t been active enough in fixing my issues in everything from myself to my position in life at large. Hopefully what I just said makes some sort of sense because I’m not sure it’s the most coherent thing I’ve ever written. Heck, I don’t even know if I believe it at this point. Of course I deserve happiness, but I just need to get my shit together and make it happen because no one else is gonna make it happen for me.

And there’s where it comes full circle, it all leads back to motivation. With the right amount of motivation anything is possible, but it’s almost like I’m so used to going through depression that I barely know what it’s like to be out of it, so it’s even harder to find that real motivation. It is a rough spot to be in. It’s especially rough when I have moments when I think I’ve finally found the key to my happiness, and they’re really just more hurdles for me to trip over and make it sting even worse. Just when I think I’m finally clawing myself out, a reality check will kick me back down.

Sorry that this blog was a particularly depressing one, but that’s just the reality of depression, I guess. It’s an on-going struggle and it’s not pretty. It brings out your insecurities and amplifies them, and it will take a lot of strength, determination, and motivation to get through it. I’m not giving up.

Videos I Posted This Week:

Things I Enjoyed This Week:

The Jackbox Party Pack (video game)
Squid Game (Netflix series)

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