Who I Really Am

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As much as depression has really taken a toll on me over the years, it has pushed me to make some realizations about myself and in some ways transformed elements of my personality, for better or for worse. It’s obvious and undeniable that going through consistent depression for an extended period of time would have a significant effect on someone, but the ways in which it has shaped me and had me come to terms with certain truths about myself are oddly profound. I’ve touched on some of these concepts here and there throughout my time doing this blog, but I’d like to really stop down and flesh these ideas out a bit more.

I used to describe myself as a “loner” type but have since come to realize how much I value being around people that I care about and that I don’t even like being by myself all that much. I did a whole blog post dedicated to this one subject, so feel free to check that out if you’re interested in more on that. And even though I’ve always had a wacky goofball side to my personality, I always used to see myself as fairly emotionless in most day-to-day life. I mean this in that I was unfazed by most things, I was reserved, and I would often hold the same expression in school life, as if I was unbothered by the world or something. But recently (and I mean super recently as in only the last year or two), I have realized that I am a lot more emotional than I used to be. Not that I’m sobbing uncontrollably or anything, but more that things affect me more than they used to. Since I am so deep in my depression at this point, most of this emotional side tends to come with sad feelings, but I’ve found that it works both ways, too. I will get saddened by things, even minor things, much more swiftly than in the past, but I am also much more appreciative of things like genuine people and kind gestures/words, so much so that I can get teary-eyed just from seeing people sincerely care. I don’t know if me being an emotional person is just a byproduct of my depression or if it’s here to stay, but either way I’ve had to come to terms with that side of myself pretty quickly and I still haven’t quite figured out the perfect way to deal with it. It is truly a double-edged sword because my mood can crash so suddenly nowadays but at the same time I’ve learned a greater appreciation for the supportive people and meaningful moments in my life.

I’ve come to appreciate being open and vulnerable with people, and the meaningful conversations/moments that can come from that. I love being a source of support for people that I care about and connecting with people on a deeper level. I love showing my appreciation to the people who are there for me, and make a conscious effort to vocalize this appreciation as much as possible. Depression and some traumatic events that happened in my life over the past couple of years are really what drove me to be more appreciative than ever. That’s one way in which I feel I’ve really transformed in recent memory, and I’m grateful for that at least. I appreciate all of the supportive people in my life, and I will continue to show that whenever I can.

With all of this comes being more aware of myself, more critical of myself, and more introspective in general. As evidenced by something like this blog, I guess. Though the depression has been far from a fun experience, and most of the over-thinking has stemmed from that, it has been interesting to learn so much about myself, everything from what I’ve become to what I’ve always been. At least for now I am someone who really enjoys connecting with others, having meaningful conversations, and being introspective. I am a sensitive, caring, kind, and oh yeah loving soul. This is another big thing I’ve realized about myself, I truly have a lot of love to give. I am a very affectionate person but I love connecting with people emotionally and me vocalizing my appreciation for people feels like an extension of that as well.

Though only time will really tell how much of these traits will stick with me long-term, in my heart of hearts I feel like a lot of this is who I really am, and it just took me reaching my lowest of lows in order to figure that out.

Videos I Posted This Week:

Our September 2021 Favorites! – Tarqaron

Things I Enjoyed This Week:

Survivor 41 (tv series)
Super Smash Bros. Ultimate (video game)
Midnight Mass (Netflix series)
Little Mix – Get Weird (album)
Little Mix – Confetti (album)

I love Animal Crossing

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For those of you who know what kind of video games I like, you know that I’ve always loved Animal Crossing. It’s one of the first series I name whenever I’m asked what my favorite games are. But for those of you not in the know, or not that into video games in general, this might be coming out of left field a little bit. Animal Crossing is a series of video games in which you play a human character living on a town/island with an array of humanoid animals. You can customize your living space, interact with the animal villagers, or go fishing, dig up fossils, and catch bugs to add to your museum. These are just some of the things you can do, but most activities fit within this laid-back and relaxing theme. What makes the series uniquely different from most others is how the game progresses in real-time, meaning that the season, the time of day, and certain key holidays all coincide with how they do in the real world. It’s a really unique characteristic that sets it apart from most games.

On the surface, it might not seem all that appealing and it might not seem like the kind of experience you’d be looking for from a video game. And honestly, for a lot of people, it actually isn’t. It’s an acquired taste and you certainly have to have an appreciation for this kind of game to get full enjoyment out of it. It’s definitely not for everyone, even though it seems like more and more people are jumping onto the bandwagon as the series goes on, especially after Animal Crossing: New Horizons came out right at the start of the pandemic. But Animal Crossing as a series has always held a special place in my heart, and the recent announcement of a buttload of free new content just has me thinking about it again.

I actually feel a strange amount of guilt for not staying devoted to New Horizons like I had planned. For a solid several months I had made a point to hop on at least once a day, but after I finally missed a day I haven’t picked up the game once since. And at that point, even over 100 hours in, I still had plenty of work to do on making my island what I wanted it to be and fully utilizing all the features. So if I still had plenty more to do back then, now I feel an even more overwhelming desire to get back into the game since there will be so much more to do come November 5th with the new update.

It’s hard to explain what exactly drew me into Animal Crossing and what has made it stand the test of time as one of my favorite series ever. On paper the concept seems so bizarre, but something about the laid-back nature and relaxing charm of the series has stuck with me. I give a lot of credit to Animal Crossing for pushing me towards my love of life simulation genre games in general, too. In the future, when I have more time, maybe I’ll go into more detail on my love for the series and what it means to me. But for now I just wanted to throw my love for it out there since it’s top of mind for me at the moment. I guess we’ll see come next month just how much time I put into the game again.

Videos I Posted This Week:

Things I Enjoyed This Week:

Midnight Mass (Netflix series)
Metroid Dread (video game)
GG Melee (YouTube channel)
Pentatonix – The Lucky Ones Deluxe (album)
Little Mix – Confetti (album)

Being a Night Owl

Blog

Please excuse me being behind on all my shit. Not only am I behind on editing, I’m behind on filming, plus I have a lot of catching up to do in terms of television and other things I would like to talk about. It has all just sort of piled up. Which of course can happen from time to time, especially with so much on my plate, but I have full confidence that I’ll be back on the proper horse in no time. But we never miss the weekly blog post, you understand me, we never miss those, so that’s why I’m doing this before everything else I’m behind on.

In recent times I’ve had this habit of going for walks at all hours of the night. While there’s definitely a lot more you can do during the day, and I love me some good daylight, there’s something about the night time that makes me want to go outside. A lot of the time it’s not so much a desire to go out as it is a desire to go out, you know what I’m saying? Probably not, but that’s okay. Mostly it comes down to me feeling too cooped up when I’m inside in a small room by myself. So the only real alternative is to go. That can come in the form of a late night drive, just sitting outside, or a full-on walk around the town. In addition to feeling cooped up, these late-night activities are often inspired by a desire to be alone with my thoughts as well. Don’t get me wrong though, I am also the kind of person who would probably be down for almost anything if someone were to call me late at night. I love the idea of spontaneously doing things at night, even if it’s something as simple as a quick drive or a long talk. Especially if I know I have the following day off from work, you can literally catch me out in these streets walkin’, bro. I’m a whole night owl, a creature of the night, whatever you wanna call it.

There’s just something so alluring about night time in general. Not only are things you only see at night like neon lights so aesthetically pleasing and cool, but a lot of great experiences come out of the nighttime vibe. I feel like a lot of the most important/thought-provoking/interesting conversations I’ve ever had were at night. There’s something about the night that tends to get you a little more vulnerable and introspective/reflective, from my experience at least. And those are the times I remember and appreciate the most. But hey, that could just be my perspective. Regardless, that undeniably all feeds into why I appreciate the night time so much.

Since I’m a night owl, naturally I’m not much of an early bird. In an ideal world I could always stay up late and never have to wake up early. Though I fully concede that regularly waking up early is probably the healthier option long-term, especially in the typical work week structure, it’s just not in my nature. Whenever I have to wake up absurdly early it throws off my whole mojo and I inevitably end up crashing in the middle of the day after I’ve finished whatever I needed to be up early for. So for now I am a true night owl. The one thing I’m missing is a way to realistically play basketball at night. Then I’d be set for life. I’ll just have to wait until I get my own personal indoor basketball court.

Videos I Posted This Week:

Things I Enjoyed This Week:

Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl (Game)
The Circle (Netflix series)
Little Mix – Salute (Album)

Cold Update

Blog

As I sit here I am freezing cold. The fact that just a couple of days ago it was hot and now it’s cold, that’s pretty wild. We went from sweaty weather to sweater weather real quick, and my clothing choices have not quite caught up to the changes yet either. I’m in a damn tank top over here. I’m up writing this in the early morn, colder than I’ve been in a long while, because I literally didn’t possess the energy to go on after editing a video late into the night last night (and I won’t have any time to write this for the rest of the day today). So I’m here, colder and more exhausted than I’ve been for some time, just writing whatever comes to mind since I had nothing specifically planned to write about. But hey, that’s the beauty of life or some shit.

Can we talk about how cold it is right now, though, for real? It’s legitimately 48 degrees outside right now, which for some reason translates to it being even colder indoors for me. I am not nearly equipped enough to fight this fight; I should be cozied up with multiple layers and hunkered down, but ain’t nobody got time for that because I’ve got to write this blog, finish uploading my video, and then get ready to fly over to work in just a couple of hours. I really feel so spent right now, it’s hard to be motivated during these times.

Naturally this is going to be a shorter blog, so I guess I’ll take this time to give another update on where my head is at exactly. The past few weeks I’ve really just had this overarching feeling of “I need to get out of here.” Not just in the sense that I’m unhappy with where I’m at in life, which I’ve established before on these blogs, but more-so in the sense that I just have this feeling of not wanting to be cooped up for too long. Not so much in the freezing cold like this, but in the nice weather we’ve had for the past few weeks I’ve definitely taken the opportunity just to go outside at random points, whether it be at night or in the day. A lot of the time it tends to be at night that I get this urge to go outside and at least get some fresh air because me being cooped up in a small room for too long tends to not be a fun combo lately.

I haven’t been all that shy about the fact that I am a bit of an emotional wreck these days. I mean, this past week in particular hasn’t been particularly bad comparatively, but it’s something I continue to deal with. Mostly what I mean by “emotional wreck” is that in general I tend to get emotional over things far more easily than I used to. I could be in a fine mood one minute but then something often largely insignificant could happen that just wrecks my mood for a period of time. And on top of that, I just feel sad in general way more than I’d like to (or should). This is all stuff I’ll have to continue to work on, but I would like to at least note that I am incredibly grateful for my support base of friends and family during these times as well. Not only do I have a good group of friends that are consistently there for me in general, but this past week especially, since I have frustratingly been without a car, they have all been giving me rides at crucial times when I otherwise would have been screwed. I feel bad because this past week I have been like a bum trying to hitch a ride every day, and I’m so out of the way for most people so it’s a real inconvenience, but they have been there for me nonetheless so I am definitely grateful for that.

That being said, it’s frustrating being without a car. It feels like just another setback for me which I really can’t afford right now. The thing is, I have no need or interest in a nice car, I just need one that functions. As long as I can get from one place to another with some amount of safety, that’s all I care about. And yet, my 2003 Toyota Solara isn’t doing too hot for me now and I’m not sure where to go from here. I hate depending on people and being an inconvenience, but that’s just where I’m at until I can figure something out unfortunately. But of course that’s just a minor distraction in the grand scheme of things. I have so much about my life that I still want/need to change in order to better myself and get myself in a happier place, and I need to get started on that pronto.

Videos I Posted This Week:

Survivor: Palau Ep. 1 Reaction (Sassy Splash) – Tarqaron

Things I Enjoyed This Week:

Dua Lipa: Complete Edition – Dua Lipa (Album)

Survivor 41 is here!

Television (Zach), Videos

I love this new Pentatonix song (Midnight In Tokyo)

Music (Zach), Pentatonix, Reactions, Videos

The beauty of So Hyang’s stage presence (Arirang Alone)

Music (Zach), So Hyang, Videos

Things That I Love

Blog

I can’t concentrate enough to write anything very deep or complex so I figured I would do a fun leel exercise of positivity. I’m literally just going to name a bunch of things that I love.

Pizza
Playing basketball
Throwing a frisbee
Having philosophical discussions
My friends
My fam
Making YouTube videos
Watching YouTube videos
Making people laugh
Nice weather
Board games
Watching movies
Watching good TV
Road trips with good company
Playing video games
Listening to music
Passionate people
Discovering new talent
Having meaningful conversations
Piggies
Laughing
Iced tea
Relaxing in a pool
Eating chicken
Chicken tendies
Chicken nuggies
Halloween vibes
Life simulation games
Fresh air
Watching and making fun of awful movies
Yogurt
Christmastime
Being a part of teams/communities
Coming up with creative and fun ideas
Learning more about people
Kind people
Empathetic people
S’mores
Love
Knowledge
Learning about different cultures
History
Stress-free days
Heartfelt human moments
Art that moves you
Dreams

This was an interesting little exercise, actually. It’s nice to think in a more positive way, whether it be meaningful, thoughtful things like spending time with people you love or stupid, mindless things like chicken tendies. It’s also interesting to see the different ways my mind thought about this exercise, as I just kind of wrote what came to mind in the order that it came. So I essentially started with thinking about pizza and ended with thinking about dreams. This is definitely something I could do a follow-up to in the future as well, whenever I don’t feel like I can devote my full attention to a more detailed blog. And since I specifically left off specific things like specific music artists, video games, movies, shows, etc., I could always do something with that in the future as well (otherwise I would have been listing hundreds of specific movies and artists that I love).