Watching In the Heights has really got me thinking about life and putting things in perspective, aha… The movie was such a treat from beginning to end but some of the themes really resonated with me and tie into things I’ve been thinking about anyway. It’s always tough for me to look at where I’m at in life and think about what could have been, had I just made a couple of changes here and there or pushed myself a little more.

Making videos is the one thing I’m passionate about at the moment, and I’m no where near being able to have that as a career, so I really have no idea what I want to do in life. It feels bad to say that, at almost 25. I’m at the age where I should be right in the thick of a young career and having the time of my life, but I just feel lost. It’s very similar to how I feel about my college experience, I feel like I’ll look back in a few years and really regret not using my time better. Toward the end of last year, I was struggling with depression but felt like I was on the verge of figuring my life out a bit. But the beginning of this year really kicked my ass mentally and set me back a few notches for sure. I initially felt like I had composed myself and made significant progress from where I was at the very beginning of the year, but have since uncovered how much I had really been affected by everything, even all these months later. I struggle to look forward to the future because I’m always worrying about the past, thinking about all of the regret I have collected. I wasted so much energy on people who never really cared about me, wasted so much time on unproductive nonsense, and wasted years when I could have been doing so much more with my life. I guess it’s stupid to live with regret because that doesn’t help me do what I need to do to move forward now, but I realistically can’t help myself.

I’ve always been an introspective person, but I find myself just thinking a lot recently, but probably to an unhealthy degree in the sense that I have become hypersensitive about every aspect of my life and the more thought I put into everything, the worse I tend to feel. I really hope I can be happy with myself and my life some day, because right now it is just so hard to see. Am I capable of happiness? Sure. Do I experience moments of happiness pretty much every day? Sure, but they just feel like momentary distractions from the reality of my situation rather than any actual reflection of my mental well-being, if that makes any sense. Some day happiness will be the norm for me rather than the exception. Some day.

I would like to take this opportunity to once again thank everyone who has been a positive force in my life in general, but in these past few months especially. Nowadays negativity can really take a toll on me so I try to cherish every positive interaction that I have.

Videos I Posted This Week:

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

Our May 2021 Favorites! – Tarqaron
E3 2021: Ubisoft Review – Tarqaron
E3 2021: Gearbox Review – Tarqaron
E3 2021: Xbox/Bethesda Review – Tarqaron
E3 2021: Square Enix Review – Tarqaron

Things I Enjoyed This Week:

• 

• 

• 

• 

Oof, I’m rushing to get this blog out in time yet again, but this time I’m outside for it! And what nice weather it is for it, even at 11:30 at night. Ever since I’ve gotten that “active” bug again, I’ve taken pretty much any excuse to go outside that I can get. The only thing stopping me from doing more videos outside is the onslaught of bugs in the particular area I have to do them in. If I could find a local peaceful area that I could set up in real quick to do some nice relaxing videos that would be great. I really just need a place where I can set my laptop and lil tripod and I’ll be set. You might have noticed nothing but Tarqaron videos the past couple of weeks and no videos on my solo channel, and that certainly hasn’t gone unnoticed by me. The reality of the situation is that I already coop myself up for a few hours to do Tarqaron videos on my day off, and since I’m not really able to run air conditioning while doing videos because of the obnoxious background noise, I’d just rather not sweat in a small space for longer than I have to. That’s why outside would be my preferred area for filming videos whenever possible, so that I can at least be out in the fresh air and heat rather than sitting in a small, hot room. So once I iron out these pesky logistics of making videos, I’ll be golden. In the mean time there has been no shortage of videos really, they’ve all just been in the Tarqaron format.

As much as I appreciate the small victories like breathing some fresh air, I continue to struggle with feeling like a failure and having regrets about many aspects of my life. As long as I remain complacent as I have been in many ways, I think I’ll continue to feel this way in one way or another. Complacency can really bog you down, and for someone like me who is most happy when I can express my creativity, complacency is a true killer. The monotonous, uncreative elements of my life wear on me and can be really draining at times. I enjoy the fun little activities and video things I do each week, and being around people I enjoy spending time with, but I feel like I could use a major shake-up in my life to spice things up a bit. There’s a weird paradox where I want to establish more of a routine along with a consistent sleeping schedule, but I also don’t want to be stuck in too much of a routine because I feel like I’m missing out on a lot, and many of my regrets stem from missing out on a lot in the past! I just want to live life to the fullest and I don’t know if I ever truly have.

I need to stop being complacent. I just need to push myself.

Videos I Posted This Week:

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

Tarqaron All-Stars 2 Reunion Special ft. Rusty
Cruella Review – Tarqaron ft. Rusty
Survivor: Vanuatu Ep. 6 Reaction (Finding Cracks) – Tarqaron
Puss in Boots Review – Tarqaron
Intro to the TRUE Gents Challenge 2021 – Tarqaron ft. Ryan

Things I Enjoyed This Week:

• 

• 

• 

•