Mentally, it’s hard to say where I’m really at. I’ve had some good days, all things considered, but then something came up which really tanked my mood for the whole day. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t eat away at me knowing that there is a whole group of people out there that think I did something that I didn’t do. But honestly, I’ve done all I can and at this point I really just need to move on. Well that’s been the whole theme of these blogs so far, so easier said than done I guess.

Throughout my year of working in 2020, I went through an experience with my depression where I would be in a perfectly good mood one moment and then one little thing would annoy me and my mood would be ruined for the rest of the day. I always felt bad about it because I felt like I would bring down the mood and not be particularly fun to be around for an extended period of time. I tried my best to explain that to my friends at the time, that it was nothing personal and that I was doing my best to work on my mental health but it was tough. So it was a bummer to go through that again this past week, only this time in a new environment surrounded by people who I didn’t know as well, and with the depressing feeling only amplified by my recent experience. That being said, they did their best to be supportive of me and they really have shown me nothing but kindness over the past few weeks. It just seemed impossible to explain to them how I was feeling when the depression had overwhelmed me and my personality was completely mellowed.

I have learned a lot about how cruel as well as how kind people can be over these past few weeks. I personally try my best to put my best foot forward and not be so quick to cast judgment on others. Now more than ever I am willing to give people the benefit of the doubt and hear other people’s perspectives rather than make assumptions. Not everyone is like that, though, so that is difficult to grapple with. People tend to underestimate the impact that words can have on people, for good and for bad. Because just as hateful words can ruin someone’s day and add to their depression, a few kind words can go a long way in alleviating that. I mentioned this before, but to have people who I haven’t talked to in years come out just to give me their support over the past few weeks has made all the difference in the world, and shows how just a small gesture of kindness can really make a difference. Like, mentally/emotionally I’m not perfectly where I want to be yet, but without the kindness I’ve received, I don’t think I would be in very good shape right now, to say the least. That’s why if you ever have the chance to choose between kindness or resentment, I would encourage you to always err on the side of kindness. Because the worst case scenario with that choice is, what, you’re kind to someone who doesn’t deserve it? I’d much prefer that over the alternative, which is that you are mean to someone who doesn’t deserve it. You don’t know the whole story, you don’t know what they are thinking, you don’t know what they are going through. Words are powerful. So I’m doing my best to move forward with that mindset, and pay the kindness I’ve received forward. And I’m doing my best to block out the negativity, though it is hard.

I’ve kind of stagnated on any true progress this week, in terms of getting myself in a place I want to be. I edited a few videos as always, spoiled myself by buying a bunch of things online, and watched a couple of movies. But I haven’t made the time to start working on putting together my resume and building my portfolio, a couple of stepping stones needed for me to push myself forward. I also haven’t made the necessary steps to get my solo YouTube channel back up and running, though I did buy one thing which might hopefully help with that. I didn’t go to therapy this week because I felt like I was strapped for time with certain things and I wanted to at least have some semblance of a resume before my next session. I don’t know, though, I still feel a lot of uncertainty in what I want to do. And that will probably be the biggest thing outside of my depression that I struggle with moving forward. Outside of my career/life aspirations, though, I am confident that I want to get back to making videos on my solo channel and I want to continue to make a wide range of videos on Tarqaron. How much I can accomplish ultimately comes down to my motivation and ability to balance these passion projects with the unfortunately necessary monotony of everyday life and work. But I know that more than anything I love to create.

Bouncing off of that, I wanted to end by talking about this blog for a bit. This has been a bit of a departure for me since I don’t really write it for entertainment purposes. And while there have been some videos in the past where I felt like I wanted to make them for me more than anything else, I ultimately strive to make them entertaining on some level, at the very least. With this blog, that’s not necessarily the case. I rephrase and edit things here and there as I type to ensure that it’s not horribly written but at the end of the day I am just speaking from the heart and using this as an outlet to express how I’m feeling. Mental health is an important subject and since I am a fairly open book I figured this would be a unique opportunity to both vent my frustrations as well as be open about my issues with mental health. At the same time, I know that I and those in my life deserve at least some level of privacy, which is why I’m avoiding the use of any names outside of my own, and I also won’t be going into excruciating detail about everything in my life. But I’ll still be as open as I feel is appropriate. If no one were to read these posts moving forward I would be fine with that since I’ve already consciously decided that this was something I wanted to do for myself. But if you care enough to read this or take anything away from it, then that is a great added bonus. And of course I greatly appreciate any of you who take the time to read these even though you don’t have to. Empathy is a wonderful thing.

Also, I don’t know what to do about the featured image for each blog post anymore. I love Good Will Hunting and there’s a lot of empathy involved in that movie, so I guess I’ll throw that up there. I don’t take enough pictures. Send help.

Thanks for all of the support over the past week. Over 100 people have at least viewed my first blog post to some extent, which is crazy to think about. I am a fairly open and public person but it was really personal so I was still a little nervous to put it out there since I didn’t know how receptive everyone would be to it, or if anyone would even care at all. But since I posted it people have continued to reach out, from family to online friends to people who I haven’t seen since college. And I truly appreciate it. As silly as it sounds, it’s nice to see that there are still nice people out there. A little bit of kindness goes a long way, so it means a lot that anyone would care enough to reach out.

It’s honestly been really eye-opening for me that while this group of people that I saw pretty much every week for over a year won’t even speak to me now, there are people who I only had the slightest of interactions with who have come out of the woodwork just to give me their support. I don’t know what the lesson is there exactly, but it’s something. As much as my focus is/was on moving forward, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hoping there was a small chance that someone, anyone from that group would see the post and use it as an opportunity to reflect on what they did and reach out to me like they should have done to begin with. But nope. Not a single one. If any of them decide to contact me in the future, the door is still open since I’m not so cruel as to burn bridges entirely like them, even if I am the one who has been mistreated. But I’ve wasted enough mental energy on these people and I can’t wait around hoping they will do the right thing anymore. I have to move forward. So now it’s full-steam ahead, I guess. 2020 is practically null and void for me.

BUT, I’m glad to say that I feel like I’m in a much better place than I was a week ago. Which make sense I guess, the farther removed I am from this whole experience the better I should be feeling. In theory, at least. But I don’t think I would have made any progress without all of the kindness I received this past week. On top of that I’ve had the opportunity to meet some pretty amazing people over the last few weeks, which is refreshing. As difficult as I’ve found this whole traumatic experience to understand, I have to believe that some good will come out of all of it and maybe some of that silver lining is meeting these people I wouldn’t have met otherwise.

The most important factor in maintaining my sanity has been keeping busy. I feel like idle time is harmful to my mental health at the moment, so being able to work on creative things and have a fuller schedule has been really helpful for me. I’m writing these blogs, I’m editing videos, and I’m planning future creative projects on top of therapy, spending time with the people I care about, and just enjoying the things I enjoy. In addition to all of this I really need to get working on my resume-/portfolio-building so that I can truly move forward, but that’s a story for another day.

As wild as it sounds, ever since all of this happened I have really had the itch to just go away for a while and be by myself with nature, maybe in a nice log cabin with some books to read and a notebook to journal in. No technology, no worries, just me. Considering pretty much all of my hobbies and the things I am most passionate about revolve around the internet in some way, this would be quite a departure for me, but I really think it could be refreshing. As much as I like being around people, to be able to get away from everything for a while would be fascinating at the very least. Just a thought.

Alright, I guess that’s it for now. I’m making as much progress as I can. I am cautiously optimistic about the future. Thanks for everything.