Seems like Friday has snuck up on me again! It always does, every time. Not only that, but I just fell asleep as I was sitting here so I’m lucky I even woke up with enough time to write this in time. The fact that I couldn’t help but fall asleep like I just did even though I know I have a lot to do can only be explained as a consequence of burnout, from a combination of overworking myself and not getting enough sleep, of course. If you just look at the sheer difference in output in the “Videos I Posted This Week” section from my blog posts over the last few weeks compared to this one, you can tell that I’m probably a bit exhausted. But hey, I’ll be happy as long as I put out at least a couple of videos a week. This is honestly the amount of videos I was aiming for when I started posting on my solo channel again, so weeks with more than this are a bonus, if anything.

Honestly, I’m really struggling with my place in life at the moment. I’m constantly unsure of my purpose, what I’m meant to do with my life. I have this desire to change a lot of the aspects of my life, but also feel like I have such limited tools with which to do so. I’ve been feeling particularly lonely lately. I just really wish I had someone I could completely confide in and be 100% vulnerable with. And as I get older, it feels less and less likely that I will find that person. That’s a pretty sad perspective, I know, but that’s just how I’m feeling. As much as I feel like I can be pretty open, like with this blog, I’ve never really had my person, a person who I can fully trust who loves me as much as I love them. And as much as it might not look like it, I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic. I’ve just never had that person, which can be draining, for sure. Every time I find someone who I think could be that person for me, it’s just not reciprocated. And that in and of itself is draining as well. I just feel like I would have been able to navigate life better these past few years, and these past few months especially, if I had someone to share my experience and have that level of comfort with. It’s tough. Maybe I need to focus on finding more happiness for just myself first, but I guess I’m just tired of doing it alone.

I’m really not looking for pity here. And I know I have people in my life who are there for me, but this is a different kind of loneliness, I guess. I know I’m oozing big loser energy here, but I’m just trying to be as up-front as possible. This has always been a difficult aspect of my life for me, since I’ve struggled with it for as long as I can remember, but I’d like to talk about it more moving forward and see if I can crack the code for what I need to do. As with a lot of the things I’ve talked about in little bits and pieces across this series of blogs, I’d like to devote the time to talk about this topic in a more long-form way some time, but who knows when I will do that. Always something to keep in my back pocket, I guess.

Videos I Posted This Week:

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Survivor: Vanuatu – Episode 2 (Dolly in the Middle) | Tarqaron Reaction
Reading your comments! (GoT, Grace VanderWaal, Depression, & More)
Shrek | Tarqaron Review (w/ Spoilers)

Things I Enjoyed This Week:

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I actually have no idea what to write about this week. I always feel like I’ll be more prepared with something to talk about in the next blog, and then I have less and less to talk about it seems. But hey, that’s just the reality of doing a weekly blog that is as transparent as this is, I guess. Not every week is eventful. Though I concede that most of my weeks are generally uneventful, all things considered. And that’s just another thing I need to work on (doing more things).

Motivation is my biggest problem right now, for sure. In many ways I’ve become complacent and a lot of elements in my life have stagnated, and that’s exactly what I wanted to avoid. I’ve gotta get myself out of this rut and then I can really start making progress. Mentally it’s just so hard. I filmed a follow-up video to the video I did talking about my depression, so hopefully that will give some more insight into what I’m thinking. That should be up within the week.

Since I have nothing to talk about, I won’t even waste your time with nonsense (I considered writing about literal nonsense). I bought New Pokémon Snap on the day it came out and still have yet to play it, and now Mass Effect: Legendary Edition just came out and I bought that as well. I even have problems motivating myself to play video games these days, it seems. My goal is to play ASAP, so I guess that will be my exciting goal for the night. See you next week, I promise I’ll think of more interesting topics.

Videos I Posted This Week:

Reacting to George Carlin – YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS
Survivor: Vanuatu – Episode 1 (Yasurrrr!) | Tarqaron Reaction
Tarqaron All-Stars 2: A Survivor Simulation
Announcing Our Next Movie Review Series! | Tarqaron

Things I Enjoyed This Week:

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As much as I enjoy making videos, the problem continues to be me not having enough time in the day, not only just to keep up with the video-making upkeep but to have time for myself as well. This is evidenced by the “Things I Enjoyed This Week” section below, in contrast to the “Videos I Posted This Week” section. Not only is the section so small in comparison, but the three things I do mention are all things I previously mentioned as well. So I just haven’t had time to experience much new entertainment in a while, which is unfortunate considering a goal of mine was always to expose myself to more movies/tv/games/music and it can all sort of get lost in the shuffle when I have so much on my plate.

That’s why ideally my career would allow me to talk about all of this regularly, so that I could spend pretty much all of my time focused on things that I love. That would be a dream for me, anyway. Being able to devote myself fully to my passions, without being bogged down by everyday monotony in a space that more or less drains creative energy. Because as it stands right now I know that realistically the amount of time and effort that I put into these passion projects isn’t exactly sustainable in the long term since it can be draining to do on top of my actual work and consumes the large majority of my free time. But the level of enjoyment and satisfaction that I get from it is undeniable, to the point that I can’t help but imagine this kind of outlet being in place of my work and wanting to make that happen. At this point I realize that I don’t want to continue having to deal with an unfulfilling work life in conjunction with a fulfilling but unprofitable use of my free-time forever, so the goal for me is to work towards combining the two, or at least reaching the best compromise imaginable.

Mentally, I don’t know, I’m just kind of stagnant at this point. Not noticeably super down but not noticeably super happy either. I think I’ve just leveled out for the time being at a point in depression where I’m not emotionally devastated all the time like I was a few months ago, but I’m also not often on cloud nine either. I have my ups and downs pretty rapidly sometimes, and that may have to do with the disparity between the two sides of my life that I was just talking about here. I can go from a monotonous day at work to a fun time recording/planning videos in a matter of hours, so with that my mood can go up and down a large scale fairly easily. So here’s to finding that balance, and here’s to reaching my ideal career.

Videos I Posted This Week:

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Epic Rap Battles of History – Season 4 | Tarqaron Review
Reacting to Repeat by Grace VanderWaal
Survivor: All-Stars | Tarqaron Review (w/ Spoilers)
Talking about my depression…
Picking Our Tribes For Tarqaron All-Stars 2
Taking on 1001 Movies To See Before You Die
The Falcon and The Winter Soldier | Tarqaron Review
I love the new CHVRCHES single

Things I Enjoyed This Week:

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