Somehow Friday seems to always sneak up on me. It feels like just a couple of days ago I was writing my last blog and now here we are again. And again I feel like I have nothing noteworthy to talk about.

This was another pretty unproductive week for me and as much as I hate to say it, I’m again having that feeling that desire to just go away for a while. I was pretty bummed out about certain things for a good portion of the week and as a result spent most of my nights wasting away as I watched tons of YouTube videos. And as much as I do enjoy watching YouTube videos, the difference between “wow, this is fun” and “wow, what have I done with my life for the last three hours?” is easy to miss. So I just really feel like a change of scenery would be good for me. But as with most of the solutions to my problems, it’s just not exactly practical right now, which sucks. I just wish I didn’t feel so tied down sometimes. I fully acknowledge that that can often just be a mental hurdle that I unintentionally put up myself, one that could be overcome if I really put my all into it. It’s just been tough for me lately, trying to keep a good mentality.

I’m not trying to be dramatic here, but I really wish I could live more spontaneously; go on adventures, explore the world, do everything I want to do creatively… just live more, really. I often think about where I’m at in life now and wonder if I haven’t wasted so many years that I could have done more with. Heck, I don’t even wonder, I know that there are plenty of years which I could have made more out of. Especially my college years. But that’s a whole other blog right there. The point is, I do have a lot of regrets related to not living life to the fullest and as much as that weighs on me, I really want to get myself to a place where I feel like I can truly live life to the fullest. If that means making small changes in my life here and there while I’m still where I’m at in life right now then so be it, but the long-term goal is to almost completely change my position in life. More on that later, probably.

Videos I Posted This Week:

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Survivor: All-Stars – Episode 14 (Shii-Stans) | Tarqaron Reaction
SUPERtheticals: 50 New Questions for Strange Conversations (#3) | Tarqaron Discussion

It’s weeks like these that are tough to write about because I realize that I haven’t done anything really notable. I didn’t even really play any video games or watch anything either. Most of my free time has been spent either editing videos or watching a lot of YouTube. But I’m doing my best not to skip any weeks of writing this blog because that in itself can be a slippery slope that causes me to slack off and next thing I know I’m not doing any blog posts anymore. And since I’m trying to be as authentic as possible with this blog, weeks like these are also important because the reality is that we all have boring weeks for sure. And if you’re dealing with depression, uneventful weeks can definitely have an effect on that as well. All that being said, it’s really not that dramatic. Just didn’t do much. And there are definitely some things I look forward to hopefully doing next week that will make that week much better. But we’ll see!

I will say that one thing which frustrated me this week and has frustrated me often in the past is just being setback in doing what I want to do with video-making because of technical issues. I think I will be truly happy when one day I have a PC with enough processing power and high enough specs that I don’t have to worry about the issues I’m dealing with now and having to compromise quality in order to even be able to record on my current laptop, even after having it fixed. I also would love a really nice office space to work out of for all of my creative projects. So those are things to work towards, I guess, but it’s frustrating to imagine how much better off I would be by now if I had these things already in place. It just feels like I’m always playing catch-up and one issue after another prevents me from reaching my true potential in this creative space. I truly believe I am worth so much more than my current position in life reflects so I just have to work towards making that my reality.

I guess that is something I don’t verbalize enough, the fact that I do believe I have a lot of potential. So much of my “brand” is self-deprecation mixed with some awkwardness and dry humor, so as much as I have spent time embracing my flaws in that way, I should probably spend more time talking myself up as well. At the end of the day, I’ve come to realize that I love to entertain and make people laugh. While I’m definitely not perfect, I am confident that I deserve more. So here’s to not wasting my potential. Hopefully I’ll have some really nice things to talk about soon.

Videos I Posted This Week:

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Survivor: All-Stars – Episode 13 (Stupid People) | Tarqaron Reaction
Box Art Battles! – Episode 4 | Tarqaron ft. Pete Dorr

Music I Enjoyed This Week:

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Well, to probably no one’s surprise, I didn’t accomplish nearly as much as I wanted to during my week off from work. Ultimately that really comes down to procrastination rearing its ugly head again, which has been the bane of my existence for practically all my life. It’s crazy that I know damn well that being proactive will give me a lot less stress than procrastinating, yet something inside of me still feels the need to put things off, just like I did back in my days of homework and school projects. Not only with things I need to do, but even with things that I actively want to do like play a video game or watch an episode of a tv show, I’ll somehow convince myself that I don’t have time to play a game for a couple of hours and then I’ll just mess around on YouTube for a few hours instead, accomplishing even less. It makes no sense, and I know it, but I continue to do it anyway.

This ties into that idea of “keeping busy” again, because having all of this time on my hands for the past week has really brought me back to my school days. I had a couple of really productive days but then I’ve also had plenty of time where I accomplished nothing but wasting time on the internet. Those days are tough for me because in the moment I know I’ll regret accomplishing nothing but then I do it anyway and just feel worse about it afterword. I think it’s all connected to my mental health as well because once I am more where I want to be in life then I know I’ll have a much easier time being productive. So I really just have to suck it up and get everything done so that I can get to that point where it’s easier and I am happier overall.

That being said, I did have a couple of really fun days with some friends and family this past week, so I am definitely still appreciative of that and I will always be grateful for people wasting their free time on me. We also recorded a cool Tarqaron video that I’m excited to edit and post next week. I mentioned in the last blog that I fully intended to film some videos for my solo channel and while I did film one, I was noticeably really sad throughout the whole video and I kind of talked in circles for 15 minutes. So I’ll have to give that one another shot and make some adjustments to my setup before I stockpile any more videos than that.

Regardless, I have a lot of fun ideas and plans in the pipeline for both YouTube channels, so I really appreciate anyone who cares to check them out. I’d also like to come up with more interesting things to talk about for these blogs among other creative projects. While the blog is primarily based on topics of mental health and life in general, I would like to have a little more fun with them as well. Maybe I’ll get a little wacky, you never know. Now that I think of it, I haven’t done any creative writing since college either… Something to think about. Alright, I think I’ve covered all I need to cover for now. But I’ll be back again next week! Gonna try out this new way to top off each week’s blog post, so let me know what you think. I’m thinking I’ll post any videos I posted during each week, as well as any games/music/shows/movies/etc. that I enjoyed as well.

Videos I Posted This Week:

Survivor: All-Stars – Episodes 11 & 12 (Betrayal) | Tarqaron Discussion

WandaVision | Tarqaron Review (w/ Spoilers)

Raya and the Last Dragon | Tarqaron Review (w/ Spoilers)

Games I Enjoyed This Week:

Stardew Valley – PS4
Gnosia – Switch
Wheel of Fortune – N64

Music I Enjoyed This Week:

Blackpink – Blackpink: The Album
Grace VanderWaal – Letters, Vol. I
Ninja Sex Party – Under the Covers, Vol. II