Excited To Move Forward

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Over the last few months, I’ve lost friends but I’ve also gained friends. I’ve experienced some of my lowest lows but have also been given a lot of kindness and support. I know I’ve mentioned this before and it makes sense that I inevitably will repeat myself a lot as I move into double digits of blogs now, but I just want to reiterate that this year has given me a newfound appreciation for any small acts of kindness. It’s so easy to take people’s kindness for granted, but once you experience the polar opposite from people in your life it makes you appreciate that kindness much more. So more than ever I find myself taking the time to appreciate whenever anyone extends an olive branch to check in on me, when someone leaves a nice comment or gives me a nice compliment. Not that I didn’t appreciate these things before, but they just mean even more to me now. It’s crazy how even something as insignificant as someone who I haven’t spoken to in ages liking a post of mine can really be uplifting. A simple act of kindness, even just one click to show your support for someone, can go a long way.

All that being said, obviously a highlight for me this week was uploading videos on my solo channel for the first time in over a year. I never intended to take such a long break, and I never really took a break from videos since I was still uploading on Tarqaron through all that time. They were just different videos. And I’ve put so many years and hundreds of videos into my solo channel so it feels weird to have left it inactive for so long. But at the same time I’m excited to be back to it. Though I will have a lot more on my plate since I have to do the work for two channels now instead of one, my goal is to put less pressure on myself for my solo channel. Whereas before I was focused on primarily reaction-based videos and as a result would have lists of videos that I felt like I needed to get done on any given week so that I wouldn’t fall too far behind, I’m trying to have a more lax approach this time around where I can more freely just kind of talk about whatever I want each week without having to check things off. Don’t get me wrong, I still have a ton of things I want to do for the channel, but I’ll just be taking a more laid-back approach, especially considering how much time it requires for me to edit and post for Tarqaron alone. And definitely nothing is set in stone. I said that reactions aren’t my focus anymore and that’s true, but that doesn’t mean that I’m opposed to ever doing them. I’m really just feeling things out and seeing where I want to go with it. It’ll take some time to get used to recording videos in this style again as well, so forgive me if they aren’t the best videos I’ve ever put out.

I’m excited to see where things will go from here because I’m not even sure myself. It is definitely refreshing, between this blog, the two channels, and anything else I work on, to have all of these creative outlets to pour myself into. I keep bringing up this topic of “keeping busy” but it really is true. It will be a challenge to juggle it all with nearly daily posts at this point but I think it will help to keep me sane and I’m game to see where it takes me.

Videos I Posted This Week:

Survivor: All-Stars – Episode 15 (Pony Ride’s Over) | Tarqaron Reaction
Chance Time – Spin #5 (Paramount Plus) | Tarqaron ft. Rusty
Conclusion to the Gents Challenge 2021 | Tarqaron Discussion ft. Rusty
I’m back
I think I’m in love (and her name is Due Lipa)

Things I Enjoyed This Week:

Living Life to the Fullest

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Somehow Friday seems to always sneak up on me. It feels like just a couple of days ago I was writing my last blog and now here we are again. And again I feel like I have nothing noteworthy to talk about.

This was another pretty unproductive week for me and as much as I hate to say it, I’m again having that feeling that desire to just go away for a while. I was pretty bummed out about certain things for a good portion of the week and as a result spent most of my nights wasting away as I watched tons of YouTube videos. And as much as I do enjoy watching YouTube videos, the difference between “wow, this is fun” and “wow, what have I done with my life for the last three hours?” is easy to miss. So I just really feel like a change of scenery would be good for me. But as with most of the solutions to my problems, it’s just not exactly practical right now, which sucks. I just wish I didn’t feel so tied down sometimes. I fully acknowledge that that can often just be a mental hurdle that I unintentionally put up myself, one that could be overcome if I really put my all into it. It’s just been tough for me lately, trying to keep a good mentality.

I’m not trying to be dramatic here, but I really wish I could live more spontaneously; go on adventures, explore the world, do everything I want to do creatively… just live more, really. I often think about where I’m at in life now and wonder if I haven’t wasted so many years that I could have done more with. Heck, I don’t even wonder, I know that there are plenty of years which I could have made more out of. Especially my college years. But that’s a whole other blog right there. The point is, I do have a lot of regrets related to not living life to the fullest and as much as that weighs on me, I really want to get myself to a place where I feel like I can truly live life to the fullest. If that means making small changes in my life here and there while I’m still where I’m at in life right now then so be it, but the long-term goal is to almost completely change my position in life. More on that later, probably.

Videos I Posted This Week:

Survivor: All-Stars – Episode 14 (Shii-Stans) | Tarqaron Reaction
SUPERtheticals: 50 New Questions for Strange Conversations (#3) | Tarqaron Discussion

Potential

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It’s weeks like these that are tough to write about because I realize that I haven’t done anything really notable. I didn’t even really play any video games or watch anything either. Most of my free time has been spent either editing videos or watching a lot of YouTube. But I’m doing my best not to skip any weeks of writing this blog because that in itself can be a slippery slope that causes me to slack off and next thing I know I’m not doing any blog posts anymore. And since I’m trying to be as authentic as possible with this blog, weeks like these are also important because the reality is that we all have boring weeks for sure. And if you’re dealing with depression, uneventful weeks can definitely have an effect on that as well. All that being said, it’s really not that dramatic. Just didn’t do much. And there are definitely some things I look forward to hopefully doing next week that will make that week much better. But we’ll see!

I will say that one thing which frustrated me this week and has frustrated me often in the past is just being setback in doing what I want to do with video-making because of technical issues. I think I will be truly happy when one day I have a PC with enough processing power and high enough specs that I don’t have to worry about the issues I’m dealing with now and having to compromise quality in order to even be able to record on my current laptop, even after having it fixed. I also would love a really nice office space to work out of for all of my creative projects. So those are things to work towards, I guess, but it’s frustrating to imagine how much better off I would be by now if I had these things already in place. It just feels like I’m always playing catch-up and one issue after another prevents me from reaching my true potential in this creative space. I truly believe I am worth so much more than my current position in life reflects so I just have to work towards making that my reality.

I guess that is something I don’t verbalize enough, the fact that I do believe I have a lot of potential. So much of my “brand” is self-deprecation mixed with some awkwardness and dry humor, so as much as I have spent time embracing my flaws in that way, I should probably spend more time talking myself up as well. At the end of the day, I’ve come to realize that I love to entertain and make people laugh. While I’m definitely not perfect, I am confident that I deserve more. So here’s to not wasting my potential. Hopefully I’ll have some really nice things to talk about soon.

Videos I Posted This Week:

Survivor: All-Stars – Episode 13 (Stupid People) | Tarqaron Reaction
Box Art Battles! – Episode 4 | Tarqaron ft. Pete Dorr

Music I Enjoyed This Week: