Just Writing

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Everything in life is so damn uncertain. I constantly second-guess myself because I feel like as soon as I get anything resembling happiness it gets ripped away from me, almost like a constant reality check. Like, oh, you thought you were gonna be happy now? nah, now’s not the time and it makes me doubt if I’ll ever truly be happy. Some things I feel so damn sure of and then something turns them on their head in the next instant. One moment I think I’ve finally found the answer and in the next it becomes another symptom of my sadness. I’m not much of a poet but I guess when you just speak from the heart without much of a plan it can give off that vibe. I’m always racking my brain until the eleventh hour about what to write for these blogs but I guess sometimes I should just type and see where it takes me. I feel like I had this very same epiphany many moons ago when I wrote one of the blogs just like this, by writing whatever was on my mind without stressing each little word and how everything was phrased. But since then maybe I’ve lost that a little, and in a sense I’ve given myself less freedom with these blogs than I should by feeling like each one should fit into a nice presentable topic or take on a particular theme.

This blog was always meant to be an outlet for me to express my feelings and thoughts in an open and authentic way. The only problem is that a lot of what is top of mind for me lately is deeply personal, and not exactly what I would or should be talking about on this public website, at least not any time soon. Not that it’s bad or anything, but more that it pertains to specific people and situations which are on-going and not just things of the past. This is something I mentioned way back when I started this blog, that I would never talk about specific people or anything that would feel like an invasion of privacy because no one is consenting to be talked about publicly in this way just by associating themselves with me. So as much as the blog has been liberating for me, it is obviously still very limited in that I can’t just talk about anything in my life because of course it would have real-life ramifications or affect other people rather than just myself. So what’s the solution there, could I do some private writing about my deepest and more personal thoughts? I mean yeah, sure, but when would I realistically have the time for that? I am already struggling to find the time for everything from what I need to do to what I want to do, between all of my existing responsibilities/obligations. So as much as additional, private writing would probably be beneficial for me, I don’t know if it’s realistic to do so right now.

So for now I’ve gotta keep some thoughts bottled-up, which of course is a bummer and almost the antithesis to this blog, but it’s just what I’ve gotta do. What’s worse is that I wish I could just shout these thoughts for the whole world to hear, but I simply can’t. It’s a frustrating position to be in, but one that everyone will be in at some point or another. Maybe you’ll read these thoughts in a damn book years down the road.

So for now I’m just dealing with a lot emotionally/mentally. I wish things could be different, I wish I could be stronger in the face of these things, but here I am. Big crybaby energy. But that’s just another part of coming to terms with who I really am. My heart has felt heavy so often recently, I’m just trying to keep myself mentally above ground as much as I can at this point. I feel like the next few months of my life will be an especially trying time for me, but I have to make the best of it and hopefully come out stronger on the other side. I’m fully prepared for lots of ups and downs.

Videos I Posted This Week:

Things I Enjoyed This Week:

The Jackbox Party Pack (video game)
Squid Game (Netflix series)
Survivor 41 (tv series)
CHVRCHES (music artist)

Who I Really Am

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As much as depression has really taken a toll on me over the years, it has pushed me to make some realizations about myself and in some ways transformed elements of my personality, for better or for worse. It’s obvious and undeniable that going through consistent depression for an extended period of time would have a significant effect on someone, but the ways in which it has shaped me and had me come to terms with certain truths about myself are oddly profound. I’ve touched on some of these concepts here and there throughout my time doing this blog, but I’d like to really stop down and flesh these ideas out a bit more.

I used to describe myself as a “loner” type but have since come to realize how much I value being around people that I care about and that I don’t even like being by myself all that much. I did a whole blog post dedicated to this one subject, so feel free to check that out if you’re interested in more on that. And even though I’ve always had a wacky goofball side to my personality, I always used to see myself as fairly emotionless in most day-to-day life. I mean this in that I was unfazed by most things, I was reserved, and I would often hold the same expression in school life, as if I was unbothered by the world or something. But recently (and I mean super recently as in only the last year or two), I have realized that I am a lot more emotional than I used to be. Not that I’m sobbing uncontrollably or anything, but more that things affect me more than they used to. Since I am so deep in my depression at this point, most of this emotional side tends to come with sad feelings, but I’ve found that it works both ways, too. I will get saddened by things, even minor things, much more swiftly than in the past, but I am also much more appreciative of things like genuine people and kind gestures/words, so much so that I can get teary-eyed just from seeing people sincerely care. I don’t know if me being an emotional person is just a byproduct of my depression or if it’s here to stay, but either way I’ve had to come to terms with that side of myself pretty quickly and I still haven’t quite figured out the perfect way to deal with it. It is truly a double-edged sword because my mood can crash so suddenly nowadays but at the same time I’ve learned a greater appreciation for the supportive people and meaningful moments in my life.

I’ve come to appreciate being open and vulnerable with people, and the meaningful conversations/moments that can come from that. I love being a source of support for people that I care about and connecting with people on a deeper level. I love showing my appreciation to the people who are there for me, and make a conscious effort to vocalize this appreciation as much as possible. Depression and some traumatic events that happened in my life over the past couple of years are really what drove me to be more appreciative than ever. That’s one way in which I feel I’ve really transformed in recent memory, and I’m grateful for that at least. I appreciate all of the supportive people in my life, and I will continue to show that whenever I can.

With all of this comes being more aware of myself, more critical of myself, and more introspective in general. As evidenced by something like this blog, I guess. Though the depression has been far from a fun experience, and most of the over-thinking has stemmed from that, it has been interesting to learn so much about myself, everything from what I’ve become to what I’ve always been. At least for now I am someone who really enjoys connecting with others, having meaningful conversations, and being introspective. I am a sensitive, caring, kind, and oh yeah loving soul. This is another big thing I’ve realized about myself, I truly have a lot of love to give. I am a very affectionate person but I love connecting with people emotionally and me vocalizing my appreciation for people feels like an extension of that as well.

Though only time will really tell how much of these traits will stick with me long-term, in my heart of hearts I feel like a lot of this is who I really am, and it just took me reaching my lowest of lows in order to figure that out.

Videos I Posted This Week:

Our September 2021 Favorites! – Tarqaron

Things I Enjoyed This Week:

Survivor 41 (tv series)
Super Smash Bros. Ultimate (video game)
Midnight Mass (Netflix series)
Little Mix – Get Weird (album)
Little Mix – Confetti (album)

I love Animal Crossing

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For those of you who know what kind of video games I like, you know that I’ve always loved Animal Crossing. It’s one of the first series I name whenever I’m asked what my favorite games are. But for those of you not in the know, or not that into video games in general, this might be coming out of left field a little bit. Animal Crossing is a series of video games in which you play a human character living on a town/island with an array of humanoid animals. You can customize your living space, interact with the animal villagers, or go fishing, dig up fossils, and catch bugs to add to your museum. These are just some of the things you can do, but most activities fit within this laid-back and relaxing theme. What makes the series uniquely different from most others is how the game progresses in real-time, meaning that the season, the time of day, and certain key holidays all coincide with how they do in the real world. It’s a really unique characteristic that sets it apart from most games.

On the surface, it might not seem all that appealing and it might not seem like the kind of experience you’d be looking for from a video game. And honestly, for a lot of people, it actually isn’t. It’s an acquired taste and you certainly have to have an appreciation for this kind of game to get full enjoyment out of it. It’s definitely not for everyone, even though it seems like more and more people are jumping onto the bandwagon as the series goes on, especially after Animal Crossing: New Horizons came out right at the start of the pandemic. But Animal Crossing as a series has always held a special place in my heart, and the recent announcement of a buttload of free new content just has me thinking about it again.

I actually feel a strange amount of guilt for not staying devoted to New Horizons like I had planned. For a solid several months I had made a point to hop on at least once a day, but after I finally missed a day I haven’t picked up the game once since. And at that point, even over 100 hours in, I still had plenty of work to do on making my island what I wanted it to be and fully utilizing all the features. So if I still had plenty more to do back then, now I feel an even more overwhelming desire to get back into the game since there will be so much more to do come November 5th with the new update.

It’s hard to explain what exactly drew me into Animal Crossing and what has made it stand the test of time as one of my favorite series ever. On paper the concept seems so bizarre, but something about the laid-back nature and relaxing charm of the series has stuck with me. I give a lot of credit to Animal Crossing for pushing me towards my love of life simulation genre games in general, too. In the future, when I have more time, maybe I’ll go into more detail on my love for the series and what it means to me. But for now I just wanted to throw my love for it out there since it’s top of mind for me at the moment. I guess we’ll see come next month just how much time I put into the game again.

Videos I Posted This Week:

Things I Enjoyed This Week:

Midnight Mass (Netflix series)
Metroid Dread (video game)
GG Melee (YouTube channel)
Pentatonix – The Lucky Ones Deluxe (album)
Little Mix – Confetti (album)

Being a Night Owl

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Please excuse me being behind on all my shit. Not only am I behind on editing, I’m behind on filming, plus I have a lot of catching up to do in terms of television and other things I would like to talk about. It has all just sort of piled up. Which of course can happen from time to time, especially with so much on my plate, but I have full confidence that I’ll be back on the proper horse in no time. But we never miss the weekly blog post, you understand me, we never miss those, so that’s why I’m doing this before everything else I’m behind on.

In recent times I’ve had this habit of going for walks at all hours of the night. While there’s definitely a lot more you can do during the day, and I love me some good daylight, there’s something about the night time that makes me want to go outside. A lot of the time it’s not so much a desire to go out as it is a desire to go out, you know what I’m saying? Probably not, but that’s okay. Mostly it comes down to me feeling too cooped up when I’m inside in a small room by myself. So the only real alternative is to go. That can come in the form of a late night drive, just sitting outside, or a full-on walk around the town. In addition to feeling cooped up, these late-night activities are often inspired by a desire to be alone with my thoughts as well. Don’t get me wrong though, I am also the kind of person who would probably be down for almost anything if someone were to call me late at night. I love the idea of spontaneously doing things at night, even if it’s something as simple as a quick drive or a long talk. Especially if I know I have the following day off from work, you can literally catch me out in these streets walkin’, bro. I’m a whole night owl, a creature of the night, whatever you wanna call it.

There’s just something so alluring about night time in general. Not only are things you only see at night like neon lights so aesthetically pleasing and cool, but a lot of great experiences come out of the nighttime vibe. I feel like a lot of the most important/thought-provoking/interesting conversations I’ve ever had were at night. There’s something about the night that tends to get you a little more vulnerable and introspective/reflective, from my experience at least. And those are the times I remember and appreciate the most. But hey, that could just be my perspective. Regardless, that undeniably all feeds into why I appreciate the night time so much.

Since I’m a night owl, naturally I’m not much of an early bird. In an ideal world I could always stay up late and never have to wake up early. Though I fully concede that regularly waking up early is probably the healthier option long-term, especially in the typical work week structure, it’s just not in my nature. Whenever I have to wake up absurdly early it throws off my whole mojo and I inevitably end up crashing in the middle of the day after I’ve finished whatever I needed to be up early for. So for now I am a true night owl. The one thing I’m missing is a way to realistically play basketball at night. Then I’d be set for life. I’ll just have to wait until I get my own personal indoor basketball court.

Videos I Posted This Week:

Things I Enjoyed This Week:

Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl (Game)
The Circle (Netflix series)
Little Mix – Salute (Album)

Cold Update

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As I sit here I am freezing cold. The fact that just a couple of days ago it was hot and now it’s cold, that’s pretty wild. We went from sweaty weather to sweater weather real quick, and my clothing choices have not quite caught up to the changes yet either. I’m in a damn tank top over here. I’m up writing this in the early morn, colder than I’ve been in a long while, because I literally didn’t possess the energy to go on after editing a video late into the night last night (and I won’t have any time to write this for the rest of the day today). So I’m here, colder and more exhausted than I’ve been for some time, just writing whatever comes to mind since I had nothing specifically planned to write about. But hey, that’s the beauty of life or some shit.

Can we talk about how cold it is right now, though, for real? It’s legitimately 48 degrees outside right now, which for some reason translates to it being even colder indoors for me. I am not nearly equipped enough to fight this fight; I should be cozied up with multiple layers and hunkered down, but ain’t nobody got time for that because I’ve got to write this blog, finish uploading my video, and then get ready to fly over to work in just a couple of hours. I really feel so spent right now, it’s hard to be motivated during these times.

Naturally this is going to be a shorter blog, so I guess I’ll take this time to give another update on where my head is at exactly. The past few weeks I’ve really just had this overarching feeling of “I need to get out of here.” Not just in the sense that I’m unhappy with where I’m at in life, which I’ve established before on these blogs, but more-so in the sense that I just have this feeling of not wanting to be cooped up for too long. Not so much in the freezing cold like this, but in the nice weather we’ve had for the past few weeks I’ve definitely taken the opportunity just to go outside at random points, whether it be at night or in the day. A lot of the time it tends to be at night that I get this urge to go outside and at least get some fresh air because me being cooped up in a small room for too long tends to not be a fun combo lately.

I haven’t been all that shy about the fact that I am a bit of an emotional wreck these days. I mean, this past week in particular hasn’t been particularly bad comparatively, but it’s something I continue to deal with. Mostly what I mean by “emotional wreck” is that in general I tend to get emotional over things far more easily than I used to. I could be in a fine mood one minute but then something often largely insignificant could happen that just wrecks my mood for a period of time. And on top of that, I just feel sad in general way more than I’d like to (or should). This is all stuff I’ll have to continue to work on, but I would like to at least note that I am incredibly grateful for my support base of friends and family during these times as well. Not only do I have a good group of friends that are consistently there for me in general, but this past week especially, since I have frustratingly been without a car, they have all been giving me rides at crucial times when I otherwise would have been screwed. I feel bad because this past week I have been like a bum trying to hitch a ride every day, and I’m so out of the way for most people so it’s a real inconvenience, but they have been there for me nonetheless so I am definitely grateful for that.

That being said, it’s frustrating being without a car. It feels like just another setback for me which I really can’t afford right now. The thing is, I have no need or interest in a nice car, I just need one that functions. As long as I can get from one place to another with some amount of safety, that’s all I care about. And yet, my 2003 Toyota Solara isn’t doing too hot for me now and I’m not sure where to go from here. I hate depending on people and being an inconvenience, but that’s just where I’m at until I can figure something out unfortunately. But of course that’s just a minor distraction in the grand scheme of things. I have so much about my life that I still want/need to change in order to better myself and get myself in a happier place, and I need to get started on that pronto.

Videos I Posted This Week:

Survivor: Palau Ep. 1 Reaction (Sassy Splash) – Tarqaron

Things I Enjoyed This Week:

Dua Lipa: Complete Edition – Dua Lipa (Album)

Survivor 41

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If you don’t want to hear any details about the newest season of Survivor, now would be the time to avert your gaze. Honestly, Survivor has been top of mind for me ever since I watched the premiere of season 41, so I felt like it only made sense for me to write about it here. I need to do a serious brainstorming session and figure out what I should write about for the weeks to come, though, for sure.

If you want to see my actual reaction to the premiere and immediate thoughts afterword, be sure to check out the video I just posted today on the Tarqaron YouTube channel. Or, if you want to take a step back, check out the video I did with my friend Rusty where we talked about everything we knew before the season began, including a full cast assessment and draft! I’ve got a lot on my plate so I’m sure it will be overwhelming at times, but my plan is to do a video for every episode of 41, in addition to going through Survivor: Palau with my friend Alec concurrently (starting in a few days)! So for all you Survivor fans, there will be no shortage of Survivor love on all of the things I’m creating.

The reason that 41 is such a monumental season is because of the show having the longest break between seasons that its ever had, courtesy of COVID-19. If you followed any of the pre-season articles/interviews, you would know that they went into Survivor 41 with the full intention of doing something significantly different and marking a new era in the show. Whereas traditionally fans had always been the ones to retroactively define the different eras of Survivor in their own terms, this would be the first time where the showrunners themselves would declare a new era before it even began. In all the pre-season talk, Jeff Probst emphasized how they were ramping up the “danger” in the show by making changes like decreasing the amount of days from 39 to 26 to make for a grueling pace and only offering meager supplies and very minimal rewards. Players would have to fight for everything they got; nothing would come easy.

While I was concerned by talk of things like potential “controversial twists,” I was here for the ramped-up pace and miniscule supplies, and was optimistic about what a “new era” could do for the show’s health and longevity. I am happy to say that the premiere really sold me on this new direction for Survivor. Everything from the lively cast to the awesome changes in cinematography really breathed a whole new life into Survivor. It felt like I was watching a different show entirely at times. But at the same time, it retained so much of what I love about Survivor and it was honestly just really refreshing to not only see Survivor again but to see so many people (including Jeff) thrilled to be there and interacting with each other. A combination of COVID and a break from Survivor made every interaction that much sweeter throughout the whole premiere. Though I am definitely someone who loves to think and talk about the strategy of Survivor, the human/social element has become more and more important to me over the past couple of years especially, and on that level it was great to see a bunch of smiling faces on my screen.

And in terms of the strategy aspect, I felt like the premiere also delivered in that regard, and I suspect there will be no shortage of exciting gameplay throughout the rest of the season. Even the new twists/advantages that have been shown and teased don’t seem too unreasonable so far, and this idea of everyone’s votes constantly being vulnerable could make for some interesting shenanigans down the line potentially. The Survivor 41 cast seems so solid, not only in that they are entertaining to watch, but also in that they are all so excited to be there and as a result are there to play. All of them are fans if not super fans, and if you combine that with this new break-neck pace, then I think we are in for quite a fun ride. No one will go quietly.

I just wanted to express overall how excited I am for the season and new direction as a whole, as well as how impressed I was with this first episode specifically. Maybe I’m just a sucker for some new Survivor love at this point, but almost everything really landed for me in this premiere, from peeling back the curtain and showing more of the behind-the-scenes crew to the epic slow-mo shots. I’m here for it all!

Now, that doesn’t mean they couldn’t blow it with some controversial twists toward the endgame, but for now I am just excited for what is to come. If you want to hear my thoughts on the specific happenings of each episode throughout Survivor 41, make sure to check out the Tarqaron YouTube channel and continue to stay tuned!

Videos I Posted This Week:

Things I Enjoyed This Week:

Survivor 41 (TV series)
Big Brother 23 (TV series)
Little Mix – Confetti (Album)
Movie Trivia Schmoedown (YouTube)

Things That I Love

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I can’t concentrate enough to write anything very deep or complex so I figured I would do a fun leel exercise of positivity. I’m literally just going to name a bunch of things that I love.

Pizza
Playing basketball
Throwing a frisbee
Having philosophical discussions
My friends
My fam
Making YouTube videos
Watching YouTube videos
Making people laugh
Nice weather
Board games
Watching movies
Watching good TV
Road trips with good company
Playing video games
Listening to music
Passionate people
Discovering new talent
Having meaningful conversations
Piggies
Laughing
Iced tea
Relaxing in a pool
Eating chicken
Chicken tendies
Chicken nuggies
Halloween vibes
Life simulation games
Fresh air
Watching and making fun of awful movies
Yogurt
Christmastime
Being a part of teams/communities
Coming up with creative and fun ideas
Learning more about people
Kind people
Empathetic people
S’mores
Love
Knowledge
Learning about different cultures
History
Stress-free days
Heartfelt human moments
Art that moves you
Dreams

This was an interesting little exercise, actually. It’s nice to think in a more positive way, whether it be meaningful, thoughtful things like spending time with people you love or stupid, mindless things like chicken tendies. It’s also interesting to see the different ways my mind thought about this exercise, as I just kind of wrote what came to mind in the order that it came. So I essentially started with thinking about pizza and ended with thinking about dreams. This is definitely something I could do a follow-up to in the future as well, whenever I don’t feel like I can devote my full attention to a more detailed blog. And since I specifically left off specific things like specific music artists, video games, movies, shows, etc., I could always do something with that in the future as well (otherwise I would have been listing hundreds of specific movies and artists that I love).

Hopefully you got something out of this little blurb. Sometimes it doesn’t have to be all that deep, I guess.

Videos I Posted This Week:

Appreciating Pentatonix’s video for A Little Space ft. ATEEZ

Things I Enjoyed This Week:

Pentatonix – The Lucky Ones Deluxe (Album)

Making An Impact

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I was on the phone with a dear friend of mine the other day and we got to talking about the idea of “making an impact” or “making a mark” on the world, and what we “get” out of doing certain things with our life/career choices. Is it important or helpful to think about things in these terms, or should we just be focusing on what we as individuals enjoy? To what extent, if any, should the impact of your work on others have any bearing on the work that you do? These were the kinds of questions we were throwing around, and I don’t know if there’s necessarily a concrete answer to any of them, but they’re interesting to think about.

I find myself having a hard time relating to people actively pursuing certain careers which, through my eyes, don’t seem to have much impact on the world at large or which don’t allow you to make your own mark, so to speak. Like, I get that certain careers are simply more profitable and that’s that, but what really motivates you then? I’d just really like to get inside the heads of some people to understand their perspective and their motivations that come with that. As a creative, most 9-5 jobs just seem really draining and unrewarding to me. For certain jobs, like medical professionals, it is clear to me how you could get satisfaction out of that work and feel motivated to do what you do. But for most other 9-5s, it’s really hard for me to wrap my head around. But I understand that not everyone has any interest in being an “artist,” so I’d really just like to be able to understand from that angle. Maybe this whole line of thinking is rooted in a belief that I have more to offer the world than what I can do in a 9-5 job. Heck, I don’t know. But I know the typical 9-5 lifestyle is not for me.

My friend would go on to contest that we should not be concerned or waste too much energy worrying about having an impact on the world but rather that we should just be motivated by doing what we want to do. Not to worry about what others think, just to do what we love for ourselves. And I largely agree with this mentality and the sentiment of it. My only qualm with this idea is that I believe we, as artists, inherently want to have an audience and to make an impact on others as a result. In that sense I would argue that all artists are motivated in one way or another by trying to leave their mark and as a result their individual love of their art wouldn’t be able to exist without someone being there to consume it in the first place. While it’s true that over the years I have put out countless things that little to no people seemed to care about, ultimately I love to entertain and to share my opinions so the things I create always feel more validated when people respond or care about them in some way. So while I do put out a lot of videos even though I know they probably won’t get many views in comparison to others, it’s still that idea that someone, somewhere, got something out of them, that is a big motivating factor. Even this blog was mostly started for myself, but I obviously could have kept everything private if I really didn’t care for anyone to read what I have to say. As an artist or a creative it is always so much more rewarding when you hear that what you create is appreciated on some level, even if you feel compelled to create it for your own sanity as well.

Hopefully all these thoughts were coherent and made sense in the way I presented them. Obviously all of these thoughts are formed through the prism of myself as someone who is entrenched in the creative arts side of things so my beliefs are limited in that regard, but hopefully you can understand where I’m coming from. If you have anything to add on the topics of “rewarding” careers or making an impact on the world, don’t hesitate to reach out because I genuinely would like to understand more perspectives and hear additional opinions.

As always I’m dealing with my depression one day at a time, but I’ve spent a lot of time thinking during my extended time away from work and I am motivated to make some change happen in my life. Thanks to everyone who continues to be there for me, and to this friend in particular for having this conversation with me and giving me the idea for this week’s blog. Much love to you and yours.

Videos I Posted This Week:

Student suspended for sexist dress code, what happens next is shocking

Things I Enjoyed This Week:

Depression Lurks

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Depression can be hard sometimes, man. Just when I start to think I’ve figured some stuff out and am making some progress, it’ll come back and hit me harder than ever. And then I realize, yep, I’m definitely still depressed, though I might have fooled myself into thinking otherwise for a brief moment. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely in a better place than I was a few months ago, but during some particularly tough days it doesn’t feel that way, for sure. Depression has a harsh way of giving you a reality check every so often, just to make sure that you know you’re not out of the woods yet. Depression’s not something you can cure over-night, so it tends to lurk in the background, waiting for its opportunity to strike, even on your best of days.

That being said, I continue to spit-ball ideas on how I can improve. I feel like it can be slightly therapeutic every now and then to just let it all out and be sad for a little while, giving yourself some space to genuinely feel how you feel. But of course too much of that can be taxing as well, and a lot of times when I am in the sad zone I can basically become a zombie with no motivation to do anything, including not only anything productive but often not anything fun as well. I’ll just end up sitting in the same spot for a period of time just listening to sad music and doing nothing. Not a good look, I know. But sometimes that’s the only way to really get it all out and even that might be better than bottling it up forever. Outside of that I do think maybe just actively trying to have a more positive mindset could help. I haven’t put this plan into action yet, but this is a theory of mine that if I just tell myself that I am happy, even if I don’t believe it, then I might start to feel more happy in general. I used to do a better job of this back in the day, but the longer I’ve been depressed the harder it has become to even muster the kind of energy needed to give off such positive vibes on days when I’m not feeling it.

I do hate to be negative, so all of that was not to say that I’m in a worse spot than I was last week or the week before that or even the month before that, because I’m not. My point is really that it’s okay to not be okay, though I’m still finding ways to deal with that myself. For people who are depressed, one or two happy days certainly won’t make it all go away, though it certainly doesn’t hurt to have those happy days become a more common occurrence. So ultimately what I’m always working towards is trying to get myself into a position in life where I can experience those happy days more often than the sad days, where happiness is more of the norm for me rather than the exception.

Not that I have the most time in the world to work with on top of working, running two YouTube channels and this blog, but I was wondering if there might not be even more ways for me to channel my experiences and feelings into something creative. Particularly, some form of creative writing is what I had in mind. My only concern with that is I’m not sure if I have the knack for it nowadays. Other than the one screenwriting class I took in college, I literally haven’t done any creative writing with any sort of consistency since grade school, so my confidence in putting together some worthwhile stories isn’t exactly there at the moment. But hey, couldn’t hurt to challenge myself, right? The only problem with that is, like I said, trying to fit that in on top of everything else I’m working on, when I already don’t have enough time to enjoy some of my other hobbies as much as I’d like to. But that’s definitely something I’ll be thinking about in the coming weeks.

Videos I Posted This Week:

Things I Enjoyed This Week:

Just Checking In

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I so sleepy right now. I don’t even know why, exactly, because I feel like I got a decent amount of sleep last night anyway. Maybe it’s because I’ve actually been exerting energy outside more regularly and I’m a weak little boy so I can’t take it. Maybe it’s because I eat junk and so I don’t get enough energy in that regard. Regardless, I’m glad I am more active again and I’m grateful I have some good friends that have helped “keep me busy” more recently and as a result I can spend less time dwelling on the negative. I feel like I experienced some genuine happiness this past week, which is a nice change of pace compared to the usual weeks where even during the good times I feel like I always have something negative looming over me.

In terms of the video-making side of things, which is always a big part of me “keeping busy,” I have been lacking when it comes to solo videos (though still going strong with Tarqaron). That ultimately comes down to the conditions I’m working with rather than motivation, though. Simply put, the summer heat, in conjunction with not being able to run my air conditioner while recording since the noise is so obnoxious, does not make for the most ideal conditions. It’s hard enough enduring it for the few hours of Tarqaron recording each week, especially on particularly hot nights. It also doesn’t help that I still feel very limited when it comes to equipment, lighting, and overall space. So those elements combined don’t make for the best video-making environment, but I will continue to make do the best that I can. Ideally one day I can have a lot more space to work with and I can film videos without having to worry about sweating to death or my internet connection being spotty or my laptop not being up to snuff. I love making videos, but all this technical and behind-the-scenes stuff is what I hate dealing with the most.

I think that’s really what is keeping my video-making operation from running like complete clockwork (other than all of the time I have to spend on my non-creative work). Once I just have a comfortable work environment then I think I will have no problem sitting down to crank more videos out. Part of why I have been able to be so consistent with Tarqaron is because it is a consistent weekly schedule of recording and editing, one that I haven’t quite been able to get down with my solo videos recently. It doesn’t hurt to have another person involved to hold you accountable as well. With my solo channel it’s a lot easier to brush off or put on the back burner since it only really concerns me. That being said, I have so many things I want to do with my solo channel specifically, so I feel bad about the inconsistency. That’s something I want to work towards and prioritize for sure, because at this rate I can barely get anything going.

I have a week off from work coming up, followed by another week off soon after, so that will be much needed time for me to buckle down and really focus on not only working towards a more consistent production schedule but also working towards getting other aspects of my life where I want them to be, and prepping for more drastic change in the near future. I feel like I’m nearing a fair sense of stability in the social part of my life so I need to work on the other parts of my life that have contributed to my depression in many ways. Now all that’s left is for me to make the most of the time I’ll have to work with soon.